How not to be a victim

We all know them. And, truth be told, we have even felt like one every now and then.

I am talking about victims.

Being called a victim is almost akin to being labeled a gas guzzler in our enlightened society. After all, a victim is someone who probably asked for it and most certainly isn't taking responsibility for their authorship of their dire straights. Right?

Not so fast, this is a complicated subject. After all, some people are most definitely victimized by bad people or bad circumstances. Think of poor Baby Spears. Think Katrina. So to take that starkly pop psychology view -- that we are all authors of our own realities -- can be committing a greater sin: Blaming the victim.

"We are all victims of victims," is what I used to say in lectures I would give on Family of Origin issues. After one lecture, a man came up to me and said, "Aren't you just perpetuating the whole myth of the victim? Many use this idea of being the 'victim of a victim' as justification for a lifetime of blaming their parents and feeling like their victims?"

Yes, in some cases, it could be seen that way. And, as another person reminded me: One man's victimization is another man's joy.

And let's not forget the issue of "revictimization." This is the process by which those who have been victimized in a certain way-- say they were humiliated as a child -- will repeatedly develop situations as adults where they draw humiliation to themselves.

We could continue to peel back the layers of this smelly onion, but we can all cut to the core and agree that we do not want to be in anyway complicit in our own victimization.

So how do we not be a victim? Here are some suggestions.

At any point you start feeling like the wife of Joey Buttafuoco, ask yourself a few provocative questions:

One: Is this being done to me personally? Often times, you may discover that a person's ill behavior toward you is something they are want to do to everyone. It's not all about you.

Two: Is this being done to me or for me? There is opportunity for learning in those injurious experiences, another chance for important information. You may learn, for example, more about what you do to set yourself up for this revictimization.

Three: Do you really have no choice? Feeling like a victim often has to do with not feeling in control of your choices, without freedom to choose. Perhaps you are "bifurcating" your world of choice into two extremes, not creatively thinking of other options. Things are rarely black and white.

If all of this self-questioning is too taxing, you could try to become more Zenlike in your attitude. This would help to remember that "this too will pass." The Zen trick is to not get attached to any one of life's experiences as the harbinger of your destiny.

As Kipling's memorable poem "If" counsels us: Meet triumph and disaster and treat "those two impostors" as just the same. This kind of wise equanimity is also inherent in a famous piece of AA wisdom: We must be delighted with what God has given us as well as what God has taken away from us ... and learn from both.

There is no doubt about it, life has that nasty inclination for giving us the big old proverbial finger, sometimes when we least expect it. "It's your going through it time," is how Cynthia, a wonderful Southern African-American woman once vividly told me. It is one of my favorite reminders to keep it all in perspective when it seems life needs some leveling.

Dr. Michael O.L. Seabaugh, a Cape Girardeau native, is a clinical psychologist who lives in Santa Barbara, Calif. Contact him at mseabaugh@semissourian.com For more on the topics covered in Healthspan, visit his Web site: www.HealthspanWeb.com.