Good tidings from your best friends

Dec. 2, 2004

Dear Santa,

We know you may find this extremely hard to believe, but we have been especially good this year, except for barking at the dealers walking their pit bulls and being held responsible for the death of another groundhog. We think those actually were deeds of valor, but some people have a different opinion.

We get our chains yanked for protecting our people and our turf. The dealers have nicknamed Hank "Killer." That can't be a bad thing.

Unlike most of your correspondents at this time of year, we aren't interested in Xboxes or Barbie dolls. Let's start off with some bags of chicken jerky treats. We also want you to arrange for us to get three walks a day instead of two during the coming year and even more on the weekends.

We also would like more car rides to McDonald's, more walks past Port Cape restaurant's exhaust fan (we love barbecue), more chicken salad from Schnucks, more trips to the cabin on the Castor River, more fishing with Poppi, more of just about everything but baths.

Here are a few more things on our Christmas wish list: Longer leashes, super-sized food bowls, chocolate-covered Milk Bones, more leisure time, a step ladder to put next to the bed.

If you're running out of gift ideas yourself, we like to be read to, although we have to say it doesn't happen enough. "Hank the Cowdog," "Doga: Yoga for Dogs," "Dog is My Co-Pilot" and "White Fang" sound like good ways to spend a lazy afternoon.

Even though people think we're not really watching, we do like movies: "Dog Day Afternoon," "Old Yeller," "Best of Show," "Wag the Dog," "Cats," "Reservoir Dogs," "The Truth About Cats and Dogs," "101 Dalmatians," "Straw Dogs" and "My Life as a Dog" are sure to keep us awake.

And we could use some new music. Nothing they play around here has a good beat and can be danced to. How about some titles like "The Boxer," "Puppy Love," "Diamond Dogs," "Who Let the Dogs Out," "Walking the Dog" or anything by the Bonedaddies.

We also like paintings of dogs playing poker.

Our little beagle friend Alvie doesn't require anything for Christmas. He's been very bad, poops on the floor sometimes and tries to hog all the attention. He also eats literature and worms and wakes up the neighbors with that sound he makes, a cross between barking and howling. It's not made for sensitive ears.

If you insist on bringing something for Alvie, he likes dog food. Really, he does.

Oh, and please bring us a pet cat. Any breed will do as long as it's declawed.

This year, make sure to tip us off with a "Ho, ho, ho" when you come barreling down the chimney. Like we said, sometimes we get a bad rap for doing what we're supposed to do. Besides, people are always saying, "Good boy. Good girl." There's just so much approval you can stand.

Merry Christmas, Hank and Lucy

Sam Blackwell is the managing editor for the Southeast Missourian