Finding the right church

By Tyler Tankersley

When I was a teenager, I watched my church tear itself apart. This church was the place where I was loved, cared for and taught about the Gospel. However, because of some disagreements regarding the future direction of the church, I was now watching my sisters and brothers scream at each other at a business meeting. A friend of mine was sitting next to me as we both fought back tears. In the middle of the meeting he stood up, whispered "I hate this place," and walked out. He has never walked through the doors of a church since.

Churches can bring out the very best or the very worst in people. Most of us have had a bittersweet relationship with churches. If you are like me, you might resonate with this quote from Catholic social worker Dorothy Day: "As to the Church, where else shall we go, except to the Bride of Christ, one flesh with Christ? Though she is a harlot at times, she is our Mother."

Because of their negative experience with churches, some people feel that it is best to disengage completely. We are currently in a massive cultural paradigm shift in which people are no longer as aligned or loyal to institutions as they once were. I sometimes hear folks lament this fact and often point the blame toward the flightiness of people (often my fellow millennials receive the blunt of the criticism). However, maybe churches need to take a long, hard, introspective look at the log in their own eyes before trying to remove the speck of sawdust from those in our culture.

Churches are not perfect, and we should not expect them to be. They are, after all, made up of people. However, that does not mean churches do not have an obligation to conduct themselves with kindness, compassion and love. This may sound odd coming from a pastor, but: If someone's only experience of church is a hurtful or painful one, then they are right to leave. For those of us who help to lead our congregations, we have a holy and sacred duty to infuse our communities of faith with grace, hope and humility.

If you have had bad experiences with churches, I would encourage you to not give up hope. There is no such thing as a perfect church, but not all churches will exemplify your own experience.

After watching my church nearly destroy itself, it's a miracle I still felt called to go into ministry. However, thankfully, that was not my only experience with church.

After doing some searching in college, I found a church that taught me what it means to be a family of faith. This church was far from perfect, but the church members loved each other despite their differences. They sought to make decisions not based on their preferences or desires, but on love for others. In a beautiful expression of God's will for my life, I am now the pastor of that church.

I recently learned a new hymn that I just love. It's called "We Are the Church":

"The church is not a building

the church is not a steeple,

the church is not a resting place,

the church is a people."