Dr. Grow: Christmas for the gardener

A few days ago I read Dave Barry's column on suggested Christmas gifts. Included on the list was a trail boss western-style cowperson hardhat, jumbo rolls of toilet paper, a solar cooling hat, and, not to be left out, the everybody-needs-one-of-these bumper dumper, a portable potty seat that mounts on your SUV trailer hitch. All of these suggestions were off-the-wall items selected by a columnist who had nothing else to do but sit around and thumb through hundreds of catalogues that come to you in the mail every Christmas.

I know that if you're the person buying gifts for a serious gardener, you could probably use some suggestions. Unlike the frivolous suggestions of Barry, my list includes really practical gifts. After all, who would be more practical than a Heartland gardener? In order to help you out, I have listed my suggestions in order of increasing practicality.

For that suspicious and superstitious gardener on your list, I suggest a gazing globe. Don't laugh. As I understand from old wives' tales (whatever they are), a gazing globe has a very important role in the garden. It is there for the sole purpose of scaring away wicked witches.According to unnamed sources, wicked witches swoop down into the garden and cast spells on all of the plants. If the witches encounter a gazing globe and see their reflection, they are horrified by their appearance and fly away. Their spells are nullified, and the plants in the garden again grow normally.

On the other hand, if good witches glide into your garden and see themselves in the gazing globe, they linger in the garden, casting good spells on growing plants, while primping themselves in front of the globe. Can you think of a more practical gift for a superstitious gardener?

If you have an organic gardener who is also a pet lover on your list, my next practical suggestion, a Poopet, fits the bill. A Poopet chicken, pig, frog, turtle, etc. is sculpted from pure cow patty. The only non-poop part of the Poopet is the eyes, which are made of black-eyed peas.

If you think this cow patty sculpture is not practical, you're sorely mistaken. Place one of these organic pets next to your favorite plant. Not only will your plant's beauty be enhanced by the sculpture, but it will also be slowly fertilized for the next two years. Each time it rains, some of the poop is washed into the soil. The nutrients from the manure are then made available to the plant to use.For the lady on your list who likes to go barefoot but hates to get ooze between her toes or to clean dirt from her toenails, may I suggest giving her Sloggers. These soft plastic garden clogs should have a permanent storage spot by the back door.

When your lady wants to go to the garden, all she has to do is slip these on. There is no shoe tying, no tugging, no stooping or pulling.

After your lady harvests her flowers from the cutting garden or picks some green beans, she can go to the back door, slip off her Sloggers and go barefoot into the house. In the event that some mud or dirt clings to the Sloggers, she can wash them off with the garden hose before she places them next to the back door.

By the way, men can also use Sloggers.

Finally I would like to suggest a potting bench for the gardener who likes to do a lot of transplanting. A potting bench, made of weather-resistant cedar, provides the gardener with a waist-high surface to work on. It also has shelves on which to store needed products, such as potting soil, pots and tools. Because the bench is made of cedar, it can be left outside on the deck all year long. It will weather very well.

I hope these suggestions will help you when making gift selections for your favorite gardener. As I mentioned, they are all extremely practical. By the way, remember to chuckle a little during this season of giving.