DOUBLESPEAK, OFTEN CONTRIVED, WEARS MANY FACES

Among the many predictions of doomsayers is that America will be the death of English. On the contrary, writes William Lutz, noted authority on doublespeak, America has succeeded in spreading our language throughout the whole world.

It isn't what we are doing to the language, Lutz writes in his seriocomic book "Doublespeak," it's what we are doing with it. And contrary to popular belief, much of our doublespeak is not the result of ignorance but is carefully contrived whether to impress, avoid offense, amuse, or mislead. Rampant among the professions, trades, and government, the game is played by all segments of society. Too often, the intention is to deceive as well as to impress or amuse. An unidentified school was denied a swimming pool until the principal proposed an "aquatic therapy department for handicapped children."

Inflated language, often funny, does no harm so long as it is intelligible. Intended to make the simple sound complex, it succeeds only in giving us a good laugh. Cars that are "pre-owned" or "experienced," TV sets having "non-multicolor capability," and "instructional swim" easily translate into used cars, black-and-white TV, and swimming lessons. But more misleading than funny are "secondary-fiber business" for waste-paper business; "pupil stations" for desks; "learning facilitators" for teachers; "Learning Resource Center" for a college library, and "School of Human Resources" for home economics.

According to Bill Lutz, children with lousy handwriting have "poor graphomotor representation." Wilson Sporting Goods didn't close its baseball glove business it was moved to "foreign-source" its glove business. Public TV has no ads, but "enhanced underwriting" or "general support announcements." Nurses have become "patient care specialists." But it was Bill Geist who, on a Sunday morning TV special, informed us southpaws that we aren't left-handed, we are "technologically impaired."

I'm not sure who decided that gas station employees are "petroleum transfer engineers" though petroleum sounds more British than American. Whatever the source, no one is hurt by the inflated epithet. But when Chrysler "initiated a career-enhancement program," it meant 5,000 workers were laid off, and this ceased to be funny. When the Nazis announced that a prisoner was "shot while trying to escape," it meant he was deliberately killed in a concentration camp.

Today, to stay alive, the whole world is going bonkers over exercise and "healthy dieting." It's "healthful" in my book, but labels on packaged food are loaded with "healthy food" doublespeak. To dieters, No Cholesterol means less fat as well, but cholesterol and fat are not synonymous terms. Butter cookies made in Denmark are labeled No Cholesterol, and never mind the fat in butter. "Enriched" food is usually food with the enrichment taken out and we pay more because it has been put back in. Food labels read that certain products do not contain ingredients that wouldn't be there to begin with.

Some months ago, USA Weekend published a Guide to New Office Doublespeak. "Busymeet" was defined as "a powwow that fills empty hours, which might otherwise be used to get some work done." "Accommodation invoicing" is doublespeak for "billing the company for your son's car, your mother's trip to the spa and the heliport behind the garage." Whatever made us think this was the norm only on Capitol Hill?

Through a newscast, I learned that short people are "vertically-challenged." Whether this was meant to be funny or not, I realized the truth when I saw how easy it was for a tall helper to change my bed. My bed is in a corner and I have to crawl across it to get the covers in place, and I wind up being horizontally-challenged as well.

These days, most of us who depend chiefly on holdings for a living are also financially-challenged. Our investment firms don't tell us interest rates are down; our assets are "non-producing" or "getting off margin." However, we are assured that with the proper "input" or "throughput," our slight assets will soon "generate the maximum output" and thus "enhance the bottom line."

I erased "bottom line" from my vocabulary two or more years ago, and the only "enhancement" showing on my 1991 tax return is downward. Still, it's comforting to know that IRS will be as "in-put-deprived" as I, as long as doublespeak continues to be the prime speech of big business and government.