CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE: WHOM CLONE OR NOT TO CLONE -- THAT IS THE QUESTION

Stop the presses!

Great Britain has cut off funding for cloning research.

And not because they were concerned about any ethical dilemmas cloning might present.

Nope, the Brits pulled the money because the cloning research project was a success, so it's not research anymore.

Hello, Dolly. Goodbye, funding.

Only in England.

Here in America, and the rest of the civilized world, we're worried about what might result if scientists decide one day to start cloning humans.

Or worse yet, politicians.

Think about what cloning could bring about.

Would clones be used for spare parts? Slave labor? Cannon fodder in the next global conflict?

Who would be cloned? And why?

What if people are cloned against their will? Talk about double jeopardy.

We could have clones' rights marches. Class struggles. Government regulations.

A whole cabinet department could be set up to oversee cloning.

Let's call the secretary the Clone Ranger.

And don't forget his faithful sidekick, Metoo.

The U.S. and the European Union have already set up commissions to study the ethical implications of cloning.

Our own senators, Kit Bond and John Ashcroft, have introduced legislation to ban cloning humans.

And the Vatican says cloning is wrong.

Once we all agree that clones won't be used for anything unsavory, what someone needs to do is set up a definitive list of who can and can't be cloned.

I was going to say Richard Simmons, but David Letterman beat me to it.

If I had a nightly network talk show, I could be a little timelier with these things.

But there are lots of cheesy celebrities out there. Theoretically, cloning could double the number of people eligible to be interviewed on "Hard Copy."

For my personal "no-clone" list, I nominate anyone who ever appeared on "The Love Boat" and the entire cast of "Baywatch."

Oh, and Sonny Bono. Zsa Zsa Gabor. Gilbert Gottfried. Pauly Shore. Sinbad. Maury Povich. Nancy Glass.

Courtney Love and Madonna. Kato Kaelin. Charo. Dionne Warwick and the entire Psychic Friends Network. Merv Griffin. The guy in those "Sexy specs" commercials. Michael Bolton.

I'd add Martha Stewart to the list, but she probably doesn't need to be cloned.

Some parchment paper, a little hot glue, a spicebag and some peat moss, et voila! A whole new Martha.

Who needs DNA?

Maybe it's not such a good thing.

Keith Richards probably doesn't have enough usable cells left.

I'd say Michael Jackson, but in light of the new baby, it might already be too late.

Hey, the man wants to be frozen; is cloning such a far-out concept?

Some people are too dangerous to be cloned. Or too powerful. Or too Republican.

Whole armies could be cloned. Entire houses of Congress. Bowling leagues. Shriners conventions. The possibilities make me a little dizzy.

Get me a doctor; I'm seeing double.

Peggy O'Farrell is a copy editor at the Southeast Missourian.