CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE: THE WORLD DIVIDED INTO THREE KINDS OF PEOPLE

A co-worker peeked out of her cubicle the other day and announced, "This story is all numbers. I hate numbers! Why do they make me do number stories?"

Or words to that effect. And because journalists would rather commiserate (or in plain English, whine and gripe) than do our jobs, we agreed. Numbers are hell. Numbers are evil. Numbers should not be unleashed on an unsuspecting public, or at the very least, on an unsuspecting newsroom.

I hate numbers. I took just enough math in high school to ensure that I wouldn't have to take any in college, as long as I went for the bachelor of arts degree instead of the bachelor of science.

Mr. Careklas, my geometry teacher, wrote this in my yearbook: "It was a pleasure having you in class. I hope you learned some arithmetic while you were here."

I got better grades in P.E. than in math. Of course, I took classes like ballroom dance. I actually waltz very well, since you only have to be able to count to three.

I have loosely divided the world into three kinds of people: word people, number people, and engineers.

Word people communicate in broad concepts and feelings, i.e, "I hate math! I hate math! I hate math! Don't you?"

Number people understand esoteric concepts (like quantum physics, earned run averages and how a movie that cost $3 million but earned $200 million lost money) but can't necessarily communicate those concepts to the rest of us.

Engineers, on the other hand, take those broad concepts and highfalutin' theories and actually put them to work for something practical.

Like building a bridge or designing a software program so simple even word people can figure it out. And they communicate well enough to explain it to the rest of us, but we probably don't want to hear it.

Let's consider how word people, number people and engineers respond to the following typical story problem:

A train traveling 65 mph leaves the Boston station at 3 p.m., traveling west to Dubuque with a payload of 4,000 metric tons of kumquats. The wind is north-northeast at 12 mph, and the train is traveling uphill on a 60 degree slope. What will the price of coffee in Madagascar be when the train pulls into the Dubuque station?

The word person will stare at the page for several minutes, then finally shrug and go call a friend who might be able to figure it out.

The number person will start charging the batteries in the calculator while setting up an equation, which, incidentally, the rest of us won't understand.

The engineer, on the other hand, will figure out the best way to flatten that 60 degree slope, thus saving 4,000 metric tons of kumquats from rotting in the boxcar and narrowly averting disaster on the global produce market.

I'm a word person, by the way, and it's not easy being a word person in a world ruled by guys who used to wear pocket protectors.

Can you imagine how hard all those women who wouldn't go out with Bill Gates in high school must be kicking themselves?

It's good to know that, whatever our talents may be, we all have contributions of worth to make to the world.

Just don't ask me to figure the tax on it.

~Peggy O'Farrell is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.