CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE: THE REALITY CHECK COMES DAILY IN THE OFFICE MAILBAG

The really great thing about working for a newspaper is you get lots of mail.

Some of it is important. Some of it is funny. Some of it is written in crayon and is generally uncomplimentary, not to mention poorly spelled. But it arrives regularly in mass quantities.

My mailbox at home is generally clogged with bills or come-ons from people who want me to spend even more of my hard-earned salary.

That bank in Chicago that keeps wanting to give me a platinum card really needs to get a clue.

No wonder Alan Greenspan's in such a snippy mood lately.

Since I'm the health reporter and DSW (that's designated single woman) here at the Southeast Missourian, I get lots of interesting mail.

One week, I got four -- count 'em, four -- books on losing weight.

Every now and then, some hapless publisher will send us free books in the hope we will write reviews and they will get free publicity.

Somehow, finding "The Desperate Woman's Guide to Fitness" in my mail slot did not put me in a charitable mood.

Especially since there's a mirror on the cover.

And then a few days later, a gentleman from California (where else?) who offers to test public water supplies and determine whether the chemicals in them are good or bad for the health of your hair and skin sent me a box of shampoo, conditioner and anti-wrinkle goop.

Everyone needs shampoo and conditioner, even if it doesn't have enough herbs and vitamins in it to require a prescription from a licensed physician. It was the anti-wrinkle goop (actually, it's some sort of Vitamin C serum that I think eats old, dead skin cells off the face) that stood out.

And the other day, a kind-hearted colleague laid a press release about Brain Gum on my desk.

"You're the health reporter," he said, and walked away, snickering.

Brain Gum contains, and I quote, "naturally occurring phospholipids that play an important role in the function of the brain cells."

Apparently, we lose phospholipids as we age, which is why we get fuzzy-minded and forgetful.

Chewing gum is better than taking herb supplements because most Baby Boomers' colons are too clogged (isn't that a lovely image?) to absorb needed nutrients, say the folks selling Brain Gum.

I guess in my case, my phospholipids are sliding from my brain to my hips.

Luckily, all these weight-loss guides should help.

And another press release landed on my desk the other day touting the "Love Getty," an electronic matchmaking device.

You program your Love Getty with pertinent information, and if somebody with a similarly programmed Love Getty is in the vicinity, the little suckers start beeping.

Virtual pets weren't enough. Now we have virtual yentes.

Does anyone else notice a pattern here?

If my mail isn't conducive to self-esteem, at least it contains useful information. I know how to lose weight, fight wrinkles, save brain cells and attract a mate.

Now if I could just do something about the bills ...

Peggy O'Farrell is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.