CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE: THE EYES HAVE IT...AND THE LIPS AND THE CHEEKS

We got a press packet from the folks at Elizabeth Arden in the mail the other day.

It's a very nice press packet. Classy ivory folder with a close-up on a woman's beautiful, and beautifully made-up, eyes, all to publicize the company's new line of eye products.

Mascara, eyeliner, concealer, brow pencil, eye makeup remover, eye cream. Everything but eye shadow.

The fact sheet enclosed reports that researchers learned women typically apply mascara with anywhere from five to 150 strokes.

Who has time for 150 eyelash strokes? Maybe she's a model and she has to have flawless eyelashes.

Maybe she's independently wealthy and doesn't have anything more pressing to do all day, like getting her exquisitely-coiffed eyelashes into the office.

And who stood there and counted those strokes?

I have visions of stern-faced scientific types with white lab coats and clipboards making little check marks as each eyelash is coated.

Yes, Junior, the fate of the Free World hinges on properly documenting mascara strokes.

I imagine cosmetics companies spend millions developing and promoting new products and new formulas.

That essentially means that putting your face on has gotten a lot more complicated.

Long-wearing makeup is really hot right now. Everybody makes lipsticks that last for hours and hours and hours so you don't have to waste a valuable two minutes reapplying the stuff.

One company's lipstick is so tough it requires specially formulated remover.

Imagine losing your lipstick-remover. Your lips could be Passionate Parisian Pink for weeks. Decades, even.

In another year or two, they'll learn from carmakers that making your product too durable can be bad for business. If they build lipstick (cars) that last forever, no one will buy more lipstick (cars).

Of course, you don't need a different car for every outfit.

Some women take makeup much too seriously. An acquaintance of mine had eyeliner TATTOOED (ouch!) onto her eyelids because she was tired of messing with it but couldn't leave the house without it.

High maintenance, low I.Q.

She asked to borrow my eyelash curler once.

"I don't own one," I replied.

She Fed-Exed me an ergonomically correct eyelash curler (with a bright pink plastic handle) the next week.

I won't use it without a spotter. It looks dangerous.

On the other hand, I don't leave my driveway without at least powder and blush.

Makeup inspires fierce loyalty, the kind that only appears when the particular product or shade is discontinued.

My mother nearly had to be sedated when she learned Maybelline was going to stop making their cake mascara.

My sister and I calmed her down, told her to act logically and somehow found ourselves scouting the cosmetics aisles at every 24-hour Walgreens store in metropolitan St. Louis.

Logic doesn't stand a chance against vanity. But when the struggle's over, logic looks really good.

I should be fighting the good fight, telling myself (and everyone else within earshot) that it's what's on the inside that counts, that foundation and eye shadow and all the rest won't make me a better person.

But first I need cheekbones.

~Peggy O'Farrell is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.