CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE: MANNERS POLICE ARE IN FOR A RUDE AWAKENING

Several dozen intellectuals are meeting today in Philadelphia to try and figure out why Americans are being so darn rude, and how to stop it.

You'll notice they're meeting in the City of Brotherly Love, not New York.

Tell a New Yorker he's rude and he'll probably shoot you.

The Penn Commission on Society, Culture and Community is gathering at the University of Pennsylvania to discuss "an explosion of incivility" in our society.

The next time you start screaming at the schmuck who cuts you off in traffic, think about it.

Miss Manners isn't on the commission, so it won't be taken too seriously.

The commission (which does include writers Calvin Trillin and E.L. Doctorow, a diverse duo if there ever was one) will be meeting twice a year for the next three years to accomplish their task: Figuring out why we -- and the rest of the world -- won't mind our manners.

They're looking at politics and real life. Politics has always been an ugly business. The first smear campaign probably started the day after the concept of democracy was set out in writing.

There was a time when being rude -- obnoxiously, crudely, vulgarly rude -- was a bigger social sin than, oh, homicide.

Of course, if homicide wasn't rarer in the good old days, at least it was more discreet. There was a time when some things were too shocking even for the scandal sheets of the day.

Now people go on national TV to tell their spouses they want a divorce, and by the way, they're gay.

A friend was complaining the other day because a motorist not only had the gall to run her off the road, but he made an obscene gesture as he did it.

I think we're rude because we want people to think we're tough. Polite people are pushovers. Saps. Wienies. Wimps.

And don't you get a little suspicious when a total stranger is just too nice? I do.

Rude people are not to be messed with. Rude people will make loud, vulgar comments and may resort to violence, which is sort of pushing the envelope on rudeness.

And it's probably not even a monogrammed envelope.

Oh yeah, and they wind up on TV. Check out the Jerry Springer show some afternoon.

There for a while, we had more important things to worry about. After all, knowing which fork to use is a minor distinction. The important thing is realizing you have to use a fork.

And not as a weapon.

I think a lot of it comes down to protecting our turf and ourselves. So many people feel powerless to control the larger forces that shape our lives -- the government, the corporations we work for, the cable company -- that being rude in traffic or making a snide comment to someone at the grocery store is the only way to strike back.

Personally, I'm the Queen of Dirty Looks. Making a snide comment out loud can be dangerous (there are way too many handguns out there), but a good dirty look lets me vent without becoming ventilated, if you get my drift.

A friend of mine bought a book of Karma Citations from the Karma Police meant for noting social indiscretions. They're sort of like traffic tickets. One of the categories is "Just Plain Rude and Obnoxious."

I may get my own book and start handing out tickets. If it's all right with you.

If not, hey, bite me.

~Peggy O'Farrell is a copy editor for the Southeast Missourian.