CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE: MAGAZINE ADS CAN BE...VERY ENTRANCING...

Some day, I'm going to come to my senses -- or get a life, whichever comes first -- and quit reading fashion magazines.

In the meantime, however, I'm going to continue to subject myself to full-color pictures of skinny, gorgeous women, misleading advertising and the ever-present mythology that a woman has to be smaller than a size 10 to be a productive citizen with a normal, full life.

We'll talk about that later.

What I love about fashion magazines is the trashy fluff. Especially the ads at the back of magazine.

You know, the ones for psychics, witches, correspondence courses and battery-operated devices?

I found a new ad, buried amongst the diet pill ads.

"Increase your bust size through self-hypnosis," the ad promises.

The mind (and, potentially, other parts of the body) boggles.

Who needs silicone? Why bother with saline? Just think really hard and your bosoms will blossom.

I thought I had mastered self-delusion. It seems, however, that I forgot something.

The ad, which was very small, didn't go into any details about how the process actually worked. It just listed an address to send your check or money order to.

I'm intrigued.

Maybe it's something to do with hypnotizing yourself to stand up really straight.

You know, hips tucked in, shoulders squared, chest out.

Way out.

Or going to the nearest department store (while in a trance, of course) and finally buying that push-up bra.

Or doing lots of those arm-pumping "we-must-increase-our-bust" exercises that every woman I've ever met did in junior high, but without the humiliation of knowing it's actually happening.

I know people who've undergone hypnosis to quit smoking.

And my friend Jana had herself hypnotized to learn about her past lives.

(No, she was not Cleopatra. But she was one of Queen Elizabeth I's ladies-in-waiting.)

I just never expected hypnosis to be applied to anything as mundane as bodacious ta-tas.

Isn't pseudo-science wonderful?

I wonder if you can self-hypnotize your way to smaller hips?

I think we all use a mild form of self-hypnosis to get ourselves through the day, whether it's telling ourselves the boss isn't really so bad or the new haircut looks fine or the kids don't really need psychiatric help.

Everything's just fine.

Say that several times and you'll begin to believe it.

Really, it works.

I suppose that with great concentration, I could manage to convince myself that I'm tall and skinny and gorgeous.

Tall and skinny and gorgeous ... tall and skinny and gorgeous ... tall and skinny and gorgeous...

The trick here is going to be convincing the rest of the planet.

I'll work on that later. Right now I'm getting sleepy ... very sleepy...

Peggy O'Farrell is a copy editor for the Southeast Missourian.