CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE: LET'S GET QUIZZICAL ABOUT MAGAZINE Q&A's

My friend Tina reported the other day that, according to a relationship quiz in a Glossy Women's Magazine, she and her new significant other (Code name: Pookie) are not destined to be Together Forever.

Two observations.

One, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man who allows himself to be called (in public, in front of HIS male friends) Pookie? I think his real name is Bill. Maybe Will. I've only heard it once.

I am not making this up.

And two, magazine quizzes are not designed to give an accurate reading on any personal, interpersonal or psychosocial phenomenon.

They should carry a disclaimer, like horoscopes. "Warning: This quiz is in no way based in scientific fact and may in fact result in the dissolution of significant life relationships."

Somebody should do a study to determine how many divorces couple quizzes cause compared to little issues like infidelity and spending practices.

Quizzes with names like "Have You Found Mr. Right?" and "Are You a Man Magnet?" (or better yet, "Are You Ready for an Affair?") are designed to make readers neurotic enough to ensure they keep buying the magazines containing the quizzes.

These quizzes are a form of psychic self-mutilation. It's like trying on swimsuits in January in front of a three-way mirror. Cindy Crawford is going to be miserable by the time it's all over.

Flaws are magnified, neuroses deepened. Think of the answers as revealing all the cellulite in your psyche.

Q: Your mysterious new neighbor, who's tall, dark and handsome (with all those CU-UTE tattoos), keeps dropping flirtatious little hints and compliments whenever you meet, not to mention an invitation for a WILD weekend in Tijuana.

Do you:

A. Draw up the invitation list for the wedding, coordinate bridesmaid dresses and choose baby names?

B. Wonder what such a wonderful guy sees in a fat, sloppy, badly accessorized lump like you?

C. Feel flattered, but a little curious about all the leatherboys on motorcycles parked in front of his house, not to mention the federal agents who seem to be following his every move? Or,

D. Think about reporting him to that really cute guy on "The X-Files"?

Gee. The SAT wasn't this hard.

Have you noticed that men's magazines don't have quizzes? Except the sports trivia kinds, and those don't count. They're based in fact.

I live for the day when GQ features something along the lines of "10 Ways to Tell If You're a Studmuffin."

I should add that not all quizzes are worthless. Some point out warning signs of depression, cancer, diabetes or other serious illnesses.

But let's face it, those don't sell magazines, especially the kind that remind their readers they'll never be 8-foot tall, 120-pound supermodels with melon-like bosoms.

Not that I especially needed any reminders, thank you.

What these quizzes really reveal is that we read too many magazines. Basing major life decisions on the Cosmo Girl's Guide to Good Times is probably not a wise move.

There's also the fact that if we weren't all so busy filling out those stupid quizzes, we'd have more time to become Man Magnets.

Yeah, right.

~Peggy O'Farrell is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.