CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE: HOLD THAT AUDIT; A PAPER CLIP HAS BEEN LOCATED

What are the IRS's views on paper clips?

I know how they feel about people earning large sums of money -- mostly in cash -- and not giving the government its share, but that's not an issue in my case.

I don't earn large sums of money, for one thing.

Let me explain.

I moved to a new apartment about a month ago, and almost everything's unpacked, except the office stuff: pencils, pens, note cards. It's all still in the boxes.

Because I procrastinate on most things, not just unpacking, I usually wait until the end of March, beginning of April to fill out my income tax returns.

I don't make enough money for tax time to be an ordeal. It's just a case of getting all the forms in the same room.

I was smart enough to put the pertinent paperwork in the portable file cabinet for the move. I get points for that.

But when it came time to sit down and figure it all up, I realized what was missing: the calculator and the stapler.

How can I do my taxes without a calculator and a stapler?

This is an emergency! Is there a CPA in the house?

Fortunately, I can still figure sums, if they're small enough. The cat lent her support by sleeping on the forms. Melissa, the living, breathing, shedding paperweight.

Her mother must be so proud.

At one point she must have thought the pen and I were involved in a life-and-death struggle because she pounced on it and knocked it out of my hand.

After the math was done and the wounds sewn up, I needed to put all the stuff in the envelope and mail it.

One problem: The form states clearly, "ATTACH W-2 form(s) here."

With what? A second search of the apartment and the unpacked boxes revealed no stapler (still) and no paper clips. No butterfly clips. No sticky tape. Not even twine.

Not in the boxes, not in the desk, not in the kitchen drawers, not in the bathroom (just in case).

My life has come unfastened.

If I just stick the W-2s in the envelope and they get lost, then what? Will Canada allow extradition for income tax evasion?

But all was not lost.

The excavation, which lasted about 45 minutes, revealed last year's Christmas card from my brother and sister-in-law, who had kindly included a photo of their puppy, a basset hound named Daisy Mae, decked out in a Santa Claus cap.

And attached to the card with a pink plastic paper clip.

Hallelujah! Stop the audit! At least until after the agents check my math.

The ordeal is over, the tax returns mailed, the boxes reorganized. Sort of.

I have achieved some important realizations.

I don't mind paying taxes that much. I use public services, drive on public roads and appreciate knowing that at least a small amount of public assistance will be available should I ever need it. I'm a paying customer, and I can live with that.

Unlike Mrs. Griffin, my fourth-grade teacher, the IRS doesn't make you show your work when you turn it in.

And guess what I'm spending my refund on.

~Peggy O'Farrell is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.