CLICK & DOUBLE CLICK: LOOKING FOR LOVE ACROSS THE WORLD WIDE WEB (COLUMN 75)

Cybertip: If your favorite valentine doesn't have an e-mail address, most websites will snail mail them to your valentine instead.

Today, Darren McGaha and Dennis O'Shields are your helpers du jour and we are going to look at everyone's favorite holiday: Valentine's day.

Darren: First let's go to the Perfect Present Picker at presentpicker.com/ppp/valentine/valentine.html since I need all the help I can get.

Dennis: Ooh, that sounds good. Maybe I can find a girlfriend here. That would be a good gift.

Darren: First you select a type of love that describes your relationship or one that you wish describes your relationship.

Dennis: Luckily, they have pictures for the romantically challenged, like us.

Darren: Some of the categories are Secret love, Announce your love, Old-married-couple love, Cutesy love, but I think I will go to Love on a budget.

Dennis: Is it bad when the editor comes in and finds out what you are doing and runs screaming out of the office?

Darren: You mean he doesn't do that when everybody is writing the column? Must be my cologne.

Dennis: OK, let's get back to the column. What's next?

Darren: They give a list of popular choices of gifts like Itsy Bitsy Heart Magnets, Trio of Chocolate Roses, and the most popular one seems to be the Valentine Kiss Lingerie.

Dennis: They have links to the place to order it online. Even the complete romantic package for her. This is sickening. Let's go somewhere else.

Darren: I know why I don't like this holiday now. It's so expensive and I don't understand what they are talking about!

Dennis: I want to go to CNN's Swanky Love Palace. It's at www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/1998/valentines.day/ and they actually have lava lamps!

Darren: OOOOOOhhh, Lava lamps. They have everything for the out-of-date valentine.

Dennis: Yep, everything from tone deaf disco, jive talkin', love facts, love village and even the history of the day.

Darren: You forgot one. I want to find out what fade to black is. Oh, great, it is a list of the most unromantic movies.

Dennis: You can rent them and relish in the fact that no one is getting all mushy on the bow of a ship. They have movies like "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and "Carrie."

Darren: Yeah, they even have "Sling Blade" and any Oliver Stone film listed. I want to find out who else is in a dysfunctional relationship by going to their most unromantic couples list.

Dennis: Great. Am I on there?

Darren: No, but Richard Gere and anybody he's ever dated is. So is Austin Powers and Ms. Kensington from "Austin Powers." I can't believe they are bad-mouthing Richard Gere, he got to go to Tibet. Anybody that goes there can't be all bad.

Dennis: I'd be willing to bet you that he can.

Darren: Let's leave here before you say something we all might regret. At the Disney.com Valentine Collection, you can send a "Hundred Acre Hello," get some food ideas, books, and the history of Valentine's day.

Dennis: To get there, just look at the Disney front page at www.disney.com and they have a valentine's heart with Mickey and Minnie Mouse, which is the gateway to the area.

Darren: Are they married?

Dennis: I don't know if they ever actually got married, I think Mickey is the eternal bachelor.

Darren: We'll send a "Hundred Acre Hello." You need to be a registered guest and have Shockwave 5.0 installed first.

Dennis: Luckily they have both available on the page already, for people like us. Registration is easy and installing Shockwave is pretty simple too.

Darren: That was neat. Let's go get some tasty scones. What exactly is a scone?

Dennis: I'm pretty sure they are biscuits with jam in them.

Darren: It doesn't help me much, but they have a recipe for them. I guess they weren't counting on bachelors logging into their website like we just did.

Dennis: Let's go to www.valentine.com and find out their idea of a dream date. You can build a date, and to start all you have to do is click on the "dream on" button.

Darren: You can choose some different categories for your dream date like "Dances like a matador of love," or "Will fix my car or give me one of his," or my favorite "Is always evolving even if it takes plastic surgery."

Dennis: Go ahead, make your choices.

Darren: Wait a minute. I ended up with Brad Pitt!!!

Dennis: Is there something I should know about here?

Darren: I think they got Brad confused with Gwyneth Paltrow.

Dennis: What's your favorite Valentine's site on the Internet? E-mail us at click@semissourian.com

See you in Cyberspace.

Dennis O'Shields and Darren McGaha are members of the Southeast Missourian online staff.