CLICK AND DOUBLE CLICK: INTERNET CAN LINK PARENTS GRIEVING THE LOSS OF CHILD

Life can be a challenge, especially during its dark times. Sometimes we need someone else to lend a helping hand.

My dark time came just over six years ago when I miscarried a baby. It broke my heart, and took me nearly a year to dry my tears. To tell you the truth, it still hurts today especially when I look long and hard at my two beautiful daughters and picture another child in-between.

It took the help of my husband, family, friends, faith and a local support group called SHARE that met at Southeast Missouri Hospital. One-on-one counseling is still available through SHARE at Southeast by calling 651-5561.

Often, people don't know how to react to women who miscarry or suffer a stillbirth. I remember not knowing what to say when my brother and sister-in-law's second child died on the day she was born. The loss of that baby and my miscarriage are the only two times in my life I ever saw my father cry.

Support for couples who have lost a child can be found on the Internet. What's more, you can network with people in similar situations. I know through SHARE, we met people who will always hold a special place in our hearts.

The following Web sites are not cute or glitzy. They provide information, words of encouragement and networking for grieving families.

www.nationalSHAREOffice.com

Interesting enough, the national SHARE office is located in St. Charles.

This Web site offers newsletter articles and information about SHARE. You can also learn about the rights of parents and babies.

There's also a place for gentle support and guidance with a chatroom and message board. For many couples, the loss of a baby is all the more devastating because it may follow years of infertility treatments. Don't miss the writings from some dads in the newsletter section.

SHARE groups across the nation work with bereaved parents and put together packets for families in the hospital. That was really tough for me to recuperate from my miscarriage on the maternity ward just days before Christmas.

SHARE points out that in today's society, grief at the death of a newborn or a baby who has died during pregnancy or through miscarriage is generally not accepted or understood. The baby is quickly forgotten by others, leaving the parents alone in their grief. SHARE says that isolation may unnecessarily prolong the time of grieving.

The Web site hosts regular Monday night chats, from 8-9 p.m., and a Tuesday night program. You can also contact the SHARE office at 1-800-821-6819 if you need someone to talk to at other times.

www.APlaceToRemember.com

This is a Web site that sells support materials and resources for those who have been touched by a crisis in pregnancy or the death of a baby.

But it also has a place for parents to share feelings or ask questions. It is very easy to reply to those who have posted a message on this site.

There is also a Remembrance Book to write feelings about babies who have died, "but who continues to live in our hearts forever." You are asked to submit In Memory Of, and the miscarry or death date, and who is remembering the baby. You can also write up to 200 words.

You can view all the listings by alphabetical listing. They are powerful and heartfelt.

The site also has a comprehensive listing of resources and related Web links.

A Place to Remember's owner, Timothy Nelson, has written a book, "A Father's Story," about the stillbirth of his daughter in 1983 and the effect it has had on his family since them.

Another pregnancy and infant loss memorial site is called Baby Bunny.

www.babybunny.net

Sometimes parents are so sad they don't know how to let others know about their baby or see their loss as something more than grief. The site offers some suggestions for families.

It also makes suggestions on how to educate others about your own loss and the pregnancy loss of others.

One rather neat part of the site allows you to light a candle and say a prayer for someone you know who has lost a baby or who is going through a difficult pregnancy.

You can also share your story in Bunny Times. The site hopes these stories help others realize the hurt and loneliness that accompany the death of a baby. An online diary also contains recent pregnancy information, and may too tough to read for those who just suffered a loss.

Under the Memorial Birthday heading, you can remember a baby's birthday, the day the baby was supposed to be born or the day the baby left this Earth with a cake or crown. The site also offers a pen-pal program.

www.compassionatefriends.org

Compassionate Friends operates chapters throughout the United States. It offers grief support after the death of a child of any age, from any cause. All bereaved family members are welcome.

A survey of bereaved parents on this Web site, called "When a Child Dies," is very interesting. There are several chapters in Missouri, although none in Southeast Missouri.

www.parentsoup.com

Although this a great site for expert advice on children, they also offer some well-used message boards on miscarriage, stillbirth and abortion loss.

Meeting with other parents is definitely a key to resolving pent-up grief. These people understand what grieving parents are going through.

There's also a number of good sites relating to SIDS on the Internet, including the American SIDS Institute.

www.sids.org

The organization is dedicated to the prevention of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome and the promotion of infant death through research, clinical services, family support and professional and community education.

SIDS is an sudden and unexpected death of an apparently healthy infant, whose death remains unexplained even after an autopsy. It is not a disease, it is a diagnosis.

I find it interesting that now it is recommended that babies sleep on their backs when sleeping. When my kids were little, it was recommended they sleep on their side. This change is aimed at decreasing SIDS.

There's lot of good information on this site and even a place to honor infants who died of SIDS. Visitors are asked to keeping these babies and their families in your thoughts.

I dedicate this column to three special little angels: Rachel, Christine and Nicholas. One day, we will see you in heaven.

Joni Adams is the managing editor of the Southeast Missourian. You can e-mail her at click@semissourian.com.