CAROLINE'S CORNER: AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH FORREST GUMP

Forrest Gump's story is that of a simple, down-to-earth man who overcomes handicaps and proceeds to make fame and fortune for himself in several segments of American history during the decades of the '60s, '70s and '80s. His story inspires tears of joy mingled with tears of sorrow.

"In Forrest Gump, Winston Groom created the ideal citizen for the modern world -- a perfect idiot," said P.J. O'Rourke, writer and humorist. "Think of the most imbecilic things that have ever been done on earth -- the Cultural Revolution in China and World War I. They were done by smart people.

"We should never hesitate to listen to a fool about life because life is pretty foolish as far as I can tell," he continued. "And the great thing about hearing from a birdbrain is that we can all understand what he's saying ... People outsmart themselves all the time, but you can't practice self-deception if you're so dullwitted that you always see right through everything you're doing."

Due to my admiration for Gump, I decided to attempt to interview the unassuming gentleman. After I assured Gump that I am a fellow southerner and that we might be cousins because my grandmother was named Forrest, he consented to the interview. I feel lucky because Gump assured me that he will grant only one interview in his lifetime. We sat on a park bench in balmy Mobile and he talked and he talked and he talked.

QUESTION: Forrest, the national talk show hosts have found a way to make your story political. What do you think about that?

ANSWER: It all gets a little tirin' to me. It's pretty bad if the most important thing they have to think about is whether my story has deeper political meaning than just gettin' along in life. They is more important things they should be discussin' or cussin'. The pointy headed intellectuals must have a holler point.

QUESTION: Why do you think your story was so successful, if it has no political meaning?

ANSWER: Most folks is like me. They are not smart enough to know they are not s'posed to enjoy nothin' unless it has a deeper political meanin.' They is a lot of folks out there who is just tryin' to do the right thing. These folks just enjoyed my story for my story.

QUESTION: You are a single parent in a world where the traditional family with a mother and a father and 2 1/4 children is stressed as being the only kind of family situation that can produce a successful citizen. How do you plan to cope?

ANSWER: My first thought is that I'll marry Murphy Brown and we'll start a day care center. But I guess I'll just raise my son like my mama raised me. She was a single parent and I didn't turn out too bad. Bein' a idiot is no box of chocolates, but with my mama's teachings I've had a pretty good life.

QUESTION: What values do you plan to instill in your son to make him grow up politically correct in a politically corrupt world?

ANSWER: I'm not goin' to teach him nothin' politically correct. I'm goin' to tell him that a feller's got to make a honest livin'. I'll probly tell him that some people, like me, are born idiots, but many more become stupider as they go along.

QUESTION: You have had so much luck in your life. What if you became lucky enough to be elected president?

ANSWER: I don't think that would be lucky. I showed the president the wounds on my buttocks. To be president, I would have to kiss too many buttocks.

QUESTION: Parents begin planning for college education when their children are very young. Where do you plan for your son to attend college?

ANSWER: Well, we have some pretty fine schools here in the state of Alabama. I hadn't figgered it out yet. I played football for Bear at the University of Alabama, but he could go to the real university at Auburn. If he is as lucky as you say I am, maybe he'll go up north to Notre Dame. I'll hep him wherever he decides to go. He'll probly do the right thing.

QUESTION: What do you want your son to be when he grows up?

ANSWER: I'll let him figger that out. He just has to taste the chocolates until he finds one that tastes really good to him.

QUESTION: What would your mama say if she could see you now?

ANSWER: She would be proud of me because I had an audience with the president and owned a shrimpin' bidness and did lots of stuff. My mama said that we all come into this world nekkid and we all go out dead and we all put our pants on one leg at a time. She taught me that I ain't no better than you and you ain't no better than me. She would be proud that I remembered that.

QUESTION: Forrest, what is your philosophy of life?

ANSWER: More'n likely it is to always be able to look back and say, "At least I didn't lead no humdrum life."

Carolyn Simpson is a regular contributor to the Jackson U.S.A. Signal. Her feature stories and columns appear in other Rust Communications newspapers.