BY THE WAY: STRANGE MESSAGES STIR UP HOLIDAYS

The last two Christmas gifts to arrive at my humble abode came in the form of voices from a planet I have yet to visit.

The messages left on my answering machine were surely eggnog induced.

The first message caused me to turn the same color as the flashing light I couldn't wait to unwrap.

The woman who left the message identified herself as the one hired several months ago to shoot pictures of my wedding. It seems she was somewhat frustrated over not having directions to the church.

She didn't leave her phone number, so I couldn't tell her that the wedding has been off for some time. In fact, the whole mess is now under scrutiny by Unsolved Mysteries personnel.

Perhaps the confused photographer should call Robert Stack and ask if he would like her to work on the re-enactment scenes. The payoff from that extensive project should cover the money she expected to get from "such a lovely couple."

The second message bordered on a different shade of bizarre. For some unexplained reason, this information needed to cross oceans, leap tall buildings and race into my machine before the yule changed tides.

The woman supplying the message talked about the findings of Steven Friedman, the esteemed director of the center for policy studies in South Africa. Steve who?

It seems Mr. Friedman works in a "think tank" located in Johannesburg. I played the message back twice to make sure they didn't say drink tank.

Did I ask for this? Hardly. But here were the findings of Mr. Friedman, free of charge, to study at my leisure for as long as I wished. It seems Friedman gives Nelson Mandela high marks for his effort to achieve racial harmony in South Africa. Friedman even called it "a major achievement."

The woman went on to say that Friedman also likes what Mandela did for children and pregnant women in dire need of free health care. Mandela even gets an A-plus for coming up with a new flag.

But when it comes to housing, jobs and schools, it seems Nelson Mandela has yet to deliver on the promises he made over seven months ago. This according to a "leading political analyst" who elected to join the holiday party a tad late.

Oh, and the amnesty program Mandela set up for those who are armed with illegal guns? It proved to be a terrible disappointment. In fact, only 975 weapons were turned in. This is a mere pittance compared to the thousands of pistols and AK-47s still in action, the woman reminded me.

The message came complete with portions of Mandela's speeches in South Africa. Why, it was convincing enough to make me feel like I was really there.

I'm not sure what I did to deserve these messages, but they should serve as self-help material when I make the trek to St. Louis to spend Christmas with the family.

When my inquisitive nephew, Sam, asks me what happened to the wedding plans, I'll merely tell him I've got more important things to talk about.

Wedding? Hah. Have you heard what is going on in South Africa, Sam? Oh, it's big news at the paper.

I'll tell him about the latest on Nelson Mandela's programs and how I rate his progress. That should satisfy Sam and the others until it's time to open the gifts.

If Sam persists, I'll tell him to keep an eye on Unsolved Mysteries episodes. That should give him everything he needs to know. And pay attention to the photo credits, I'll remind him.

~Bill Heitland is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.