BY THE WAY: REGRETTING A MISSED OCCASION

I would have loved Outcomes Based Education when I was in school.

I looked upon mathematics the way I did brussel sprouts. Why consume something I found distasteful?

My parents tried to tell me brussel sprouts were good for my digestion. This vegetable would help me grow healthy, wealthy and wise. They said I would thank them as an adult for introducing me to a balanced diet.

Huh! I never recall mom or dad looking any richer or smarter after they ate them. And I don't remember anyone fighting over the last one. Why did they get to choose what they wanted and I didn't? Why couldn't we just have candy, cookies and pies?

If my teachers told me that mathematics test scores weren't worth the paper they were written on, I would have been relieved. No more brussel sprouts. No more notes sent home to my father telling him what an underachiever I was.

Same thing with the sciences. I didn't particularly care if I knew much about the atmosphere unless someone ate too many beans for supper.

Geography wasn't a favorite subject, either. I hated it when my teacher would show me the globe and ask me to point to where Saudi Arabia was. Why wasn't there a cue, some indicator to show me where there was an abundance of sand? Why were they trying to embarrass me like that?

With the OBE system, I could enter all that in my portfolio with the help of my older sisters. Why, if I had enough money to bribe them, I might even get them to unleash their artistic talents and help me graduate with honors.

I liked history. But the fun was in being able to write about an interesting era the way I believed it actually happened. When our teacher got us all confused with facts, dates and the nuances of various cultures, I felt like I was getting dizzy. Way too much discipline.

To know that stuff meant I would have to read most of the material and retain it for the next test. I liked to read, but only the things I enjoyed. I hated the sight of text books.

From what I can tell, OBE would do away with things like spelling bees and dull text books. That would have been fine with me. You see, I was good at spelling. But I was so shy that I hated it when I got down to the final two or three kids and the whole room was waiting for me to give my answer. I would misspell a word on purpose just to sit down and avoid the stage fright. Too much pressure.

The OBE system would have put me in groups. I might have been in the same group with Sandy Wilson, the girl everybody hated because she was so smart. Maybe I could have talked Sandy into doing a few favors for me during group work. In return, I would fix her up with one of my friends on Friday night.

By the time graduation day rolled around, I would have been all set. My portfolio would be my proudest achievement, I would have a reputation for doing well in groups and my self-esteem would be jumping off the charts.

You might ask how this would prepare me for the real world. Well, I guess I would have to find a company that would be willing to surround me with a lot of bright, self-motivated people who would be willing to guide me every step of the way.

If not, I guess I would have to revert back to the skills I used when I conned my sisters and Sandy Wilson. Maybe I could get my co-workers to think I was really helping all of us grow and prosper by tapping into their natural resources. We would be the greatest team players in the history of commerce. Now that would be the ultimate success story.

And to think that OBE helped me master the skills to pull it off, to be successful.

~Bill Heitland is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.