BY THE WAY: HEY GEORGE, KNOCK IT OFF!

Way to go, George Foreman!

You just had to knock out Michael Moorer. How in the world did you KO someone who was about to enter the first grade the last time you lost the heavyweight title to Muhammad Ali?

Let's see, that was 20 years ago in Zaire. I thought that was when you were supposed to be in championship form.

So what happened last Saturday night? Did you make a pact with the devil?

Just two months shy of your 46th birthday, you go out and knock the boxing world on its ear by beating a guy who is just 26. You couldn't just win the thing on points. No way. You had to punch the guy into oblivion, walk softly to your corner and pray.

Now all these middle-aged guys who thought they were past their prime are going to need the same spiritual guidance and more. Much more.

They're going to be rollerblading, jogging and trying to join rugby clubs to prove they too have rekindled the spark they thought Father Time stole from them.

Your wife or girlfriend will seize this opportunity to get you to quit smoking and join a health club. No more card games with the guys or weekends spent watching your favorite college football teams. NFL Sunday? Forget it. I think they're about to go on strike anyway, she says.

If friendly George can do it, so can you.

You might try to revert back to your old ways by arguing that if George can win the heavyweight title while chomping on chips and a drumstick, perhaps you should embark on the same kind of training.

See, look at George push that Kentucky Fried Chicken, you reason. How many hot dogs is he shoving into his mouth? He sure seems to know his way around a Big Mac or two, or three.

Oh, but just think how fit you would become if you bypassed the chip and dip and went straight to the health food, your wife argues.

You think perhaps you can play on the woman's sympathy. Surely you don't want me to go out and hurt myself, you say. Oh no, dear. I think we can start by walking. I've been thinking about getting in shape myself.

Come to think of it, she adds, the dog could stand to shed a few pounds. We'll take Pokey with us. I'm sure the kids would like to be included in this, too.

The kids hear about this and wonder what has turned their parents into fitness nuts. Why are they suddenly strangers?

Suddenly they hate George Foreman. We're out here walking around a circle with the dog because some 46-year-old has-been knocked a guy out? What's up with that, they wonder.

Actually, your father was the one who got the idea he needed to exercise again, your wife admits. But the more we thought about it, the more we realized it was a great idea for the entire family.

This has gotten out of hand, you realize. What's worse, there are those who are wondering if there could be a Larry Holmes vs. George Foreman bout in the near future.

At this point you go to a corner in the house and pray. You're not asking for a chance to emulate big George or Larry, however. No, you want to know when Mike Tyson will be getting back in the ring.

~Bill Heitland is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.