BY THE WAY: FEMA SPOKESMEN PROFICIENT AT SANDBAGGING

All I wanted to know from the folks who work for the Federal Emergency Management Agency -- otherwise known as FEMA -- is when flood victims from this area could expect to get help.

It seemed simple enough, until I called FEMA headquarters in Washington, D.C. You need to talk to Mark, because he's handling floods, one spokesman told me.

I wondered what he was assigned to handle, tornadoes? hurricanes? I didn't know there were disaster agencies that broke it down into these categories.

I told the first person I contacted that I just needed a simple explanation. Nothing fancy. Say, didn't you guys get enough experience with the flood of 1993 to have this mastered by now?

Hey wait a minute, a spokesman said. "We deal with mitigation projects of various kinds all the time."

He reminded me that the last flood in the Midwest covered nine states. Oh, I see. Because this one only involves Missouri and Illinois it becomes too complicated for just one person to explain.

Mark started to spew forth information I already knew, so I stopped him before he got too far into the explanation. The governor has already asked for federal money, I said. So wouldn't that show this is too expensive for the state to handle?

Yes, Mark agreed that a request from the governor would probably mean some decision would have to be made by the president. But if there were any problems with the paperwork the governor sent to the White House, the folks who work for Bill Clinton could send the paperwork back to the governor.

At any rate, I was assured that this thing was definitely "in the right pipeline."

Hmm. This was beginning to sound a lot like a classic bureaucratic runaround. I was growing weary of the chase.

Mark finally gave up and asked for our fax number. "The information already written down will give you a clearer picture of what I was trying to explain," Mark said.

I think you probably need to talk to David, Mark said. He knows more about these things than I do.

Yes Mark, I understand. But I probably need an answer before the floodwater subsides and people begin the cleanup process. Oh, don't worry, Mark said. David will be back in the office sometime today.

Don't forget, check your fax machine for the clear explanation I promised you, Mark said.

Before he hung up, I asked Mark what David's title was. "Oh, he's a public affairs spokesman, just like me," he said. So he probably doesn't know any more than you do, I thought.

I think Mark and David and all the other folks I talked to at FEMA have actually learned an important lesson from the flood of 1993. They seem to have this sandbagging thing down pat.

~Bill Heitland is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.