BY THE WAY: AUTHORS POSTER INCLUDES UNPUBLISHED WRITER

Of all the ways to find a place on the "Read a Missouri Author" poster, I'm sure mine is the cheapest.

I was just informed by the Missouri Center for the Book in Jefferson City that I've been placed on this impressive poster. Some of the names that are included on the poster: T.S. Eliot, Robert A. Heinlein, Sara Teasdale, Laura Ingalls Wilder and several more literary luminaries.

So I'm wondering: How in the world did I get on the same poster? I'm sure I will learn that it was an honest mistake. But then, after they find out that I don't belong, they'll have to print a new poster. Perhaps I should wait a few days before I say something.

It seems the Missouri Center for the Book, a state affiliate of the national Center for the Book in the Library of Congress, is developing a Missouri Literary Database (tentative name) that will be placed on the Internet. I think that means the information superhighway.

The letter that I received informed me that development of this database was approved by the Missouri Center's advisory board as a way to promote "awareness of the state's authors and literary heritage."

Wait a minute. It did say state's authors. Although I have written a book, "Chasing the Scarecrow," I have yet to find an agent or publisher willing to take a chance on it.

The best so far has been an agent from Portland, Oregon, asking to read the first three chapters. Having done so, she sent me a checklist for plot development. I changed the story, trimmed some 200 pages of fat off of the original manuscript and decided this would be the final version. And now it sits on a desk gathering dust. What an accomplishment!

So, I'm thinking someone is playing a joke on me. As I continued to read the letter, however, I began to think there have been worse jokes played at my expense.

It seems the center's mailing list contains the names and addresses of more than 500 authors who live in Missouri. These names were submitted by librarians, writers, literary organizations and other groups. I'm thinking I need to find out what other groups we're talking about. The Hell's Angels, perhaps?

I was asked to participate in a Missouri Authors database survey. There are questions like: What kinds of books do you write? That's easy. Ones that don't get published.

What is your audience? A rolltop desk and dust.

Do you accept speaking engagements? Of course. A few months ago I spoke to the Louis J. Schultz Middle School's newspaper class.

If you do accept speaking engagements, do you charge a fee? Well, the Schultz students paid me with an ovation. But I would be willing to go half on the gas if we're talking more than 100 miles.

Are there any limitations on the distance you would travel for a speaking engagement? Are we talking information superhighway or the real interstate?

Have any of your works been translated into other languages? No, it's the same translation every time a publishing house sends me a response. The phrase good luck with your work is always written in English.

Do we have your permission to make this information available to the public? Please, I've got a reputation to protect.

~Bill Heitland is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.