BUCKING THE SYSTEM: TWO PARENTS AT THE TABLE HELP KEEP THE BALANC3

I've been thinking about parenthood a lot lately, and I've resolved one thing in my mind: It usually takes two to be effective.

It's as if an invisible testosterone alarm sounds in my household whenever Patrick drives into our driveway, enters a room or just wakes up in the morning. At that point, it wouldn't matter if I whipped out a bagful of new toy trucks or a brand new puppy, because all eyes would still be firmly planted on Daddy.

At first I thought it was because my children are boys. It only made sense that Jerry and PJ would tire of being around estrogen-friendly me and flock to my testosterone-laden husband. Boys will be boys and like to be around boys, or so I thought.

But my mom has a different point of view. She said my children act no differently than my sister and I did as children. "Y'all could be with me all day, but the moment your daddy came home, he got the Parent of the Year award," she said.

Even so, there are times when only a mother will do. If Jerry has a nightmare, for example, he wants to snuggle next to me rather than his dad. And when PJ hurts his finger, only my kiss (and maybe, a glass of juice) will soothe what ails him.

And although Patrick and I share daycare/preschool drop-off duties on occasion, it's infinitely easier for me to say good-bye to the kids and leave. Patrick is the "fun guy", so the kids expect every outing to be extraordinary and lengthy. His departures generally include repeated requests for kisses and hugs and end with pouting and/or crying spells from the kids.

Which just leads me to believe that, whenever possible, two parents should work together and be involved in a child's life. There are specific gifts that each parent brings to the table that work together to help raise a child. One person's gifts may be dominant in particular situations, and the other person's gifts may emerge in other areas.

But the end result can be a confident, comfortable child who has options when it comes to his or her life.

Now, I'm realistic enough to know there are many single parents who are doing admirable jobs raising their children alone. Some lose spouses or significant others to death, an obvious problem that arose from no one's fault. But most other single parent households are caused by divorce or separation, or when a nonmarried couple starts a family, then separates.

Those people who choose to be absent bother me. There's no justification for leaving a responsibility as awesome as a child in the hands of one person.

I especially dislike it when an absentee or present parent uses the excuse that he or she can't get along with the other parent. I've heard arguments that "She just acts ignorant when I come around" and "He's too busy telling lies about me to let me see my kids." I'll call that what it is: a crock.

If you dislike a person that much, why in the world would you willingly abandon the upbringing of your child to them? Why would you stay away when you could be instilling the values in your child that you want them to have and which you believe the other parent lacks?

When it comes to parenting, sometimes it's all about going along to get along. I hate it when Patrick sneaks candy to the kids behind my back or undermines the disciplinary action that I laid down, but I'll be doggone if I'm ready to go solo on parenting when we've got a perfectly good father in the family already.

The bottom line is that everybody brings something to the parenting table, and as long as they're trying, they ought to be allowed to do their job, even when the adults decide they don't want to be together anymore.

Because it's really not about the adults, it's about that child.

Tamara Zellars Buck is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.