BUCKING THE SYSTEM: PARENTING REQUIRES FULL-TIME COMMITMENT

No one can "play" at being a parent. To quote my grandmother on my wedding day: "Either you do and you don't. Which is it?"

Thursday was "Daddy Day" in the Buck household. That's the day -- usually about once a month -- when my husband, Patrick, decides to keep our 1-year-old son, Jerry, home from day care so they can spend quality time together.

I'm not invited on their excursions and really don't want to be, because this is they're private time together, just as Jerry and I often spend private time. I get to hear all about their days together, though, and nothing is better than seeing the grins when they tell me about their trips to the park to feed the ducks or about the long naps they took together.

And then there are those rousing games of "Daddy? What. Daddy? What. Daddy? What" that are played because Daddy doesn't understand what Jerry wants.

Daddy Day didn't happen by chance. When Jerry was still drooling and putting everything in his mouth, I started harping (or is it nagging?) at Patrick because I didn't think he spent enough time with his son. He'd tell me about how he had "kept him just last week," after which I'd have to remind him that only grandparents and godparents are allowed to use that excuse.

Parents have to put their time in on a weekly, daily and hourly basis, I said. You can't "play at" being a daddy -- it's a full-time job.

After a couple of those conversations, Patrick started volunteering to keep his child (remember, parents don't baby-sit.) As Jerry began to recognize Daddy as someone other than the visitor who smiled at him between shifts at work, they decided they actually enjoyed their time together.

Since then, Daddy Day has been in effect, and the results have been pretty good. Jerry gets to experience the maleness that I am not able to offer him, and Patrick gets to do all of those things he missed doing with his dad as a child.

Of course, they do some things I don't approve of, but by and large, I tend to let those things go and stick with the Big Picture. For example, it is not acceptable to walk around performing noisy bodily functions in every room of the house, nor are we allowed to substitute Kool-Aid and M&Ms for any of the basic food groups during meals. However, if those are the only major infractions they have against Mom's Rules, I guess I can live with that.

I thought Daddy Day was in jeopardy a few weeks ago when Patrick came home with steam coming from his ears. However, it was another adult rather than Jerry who had worked my husband's nerves that day.

A man had seen Patrick walking around the mall with Jerry and had commented that he was "playing daddy." Maybe it was my nagging, but the comment hit a nerve because Daddy Day has become important to him.

I tried to soothe his ruffled feathers the best I could, telling him some people hadn't had that experience with their fathers and therefore couldn't understand it when they saw it. For them it is playing because it's not real to them.

There are just some things you can't play at doing, and parenting is one of them. Being a parent means making a commitment and sometimes doing things you don't want or don't feel qualified to do.

I appreciate Daddy Day, and not just because it means Mom gets a day off. I am very happy to know my husband and son are developing a strong bond that will hopefully stay with them all their lives.

That is, of course, excluding the teen-aged years.

~Tamara Zellars Buck is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.