BUCKING THE SYSTEM: HOME TRAINING PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT

-- Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. -- Proverbs 22:6

Since I began tutoring and mentoring youth about seven years ago, I have noticed more and more children who haven't received the gift of home training. Somehow, the adults raising these kids did not impart their home training gift, also known as good manners, deportment or etiquette, as they were supposed to.

These kids have a myriad of bad habits: The girls sit in skirts with their legs wide open, and teen-aged boys hold their spoons like 2-year olds. Many of them don't know how to act in any public setting, and an outing to a restaurant is a horror untold.

Remember the scene in the movie "Pretty Woman," when Julia Roberts told Richard Gere she wanted a salad because "that's the fork" she knew? Knowing which fork to use is probably the least of the problems for children with no home training. They don't know how to place an order or ask questions when they don't know what something is, and they are more likely to take the tip you place on the table than leave it for the server.

My parents worked hard to train me "in the way I should go" when I was a little girl. They taught me all of the important Do's, like respecting elders and sitting quietly in church, and they made sure I didn't ask people for money or pick my nose or stare aimlessly in space with my mouth hanging open.

But there were also a lot of little things they taught me that I took for granted until I became an adult. For example, I know how to properly use a knife and fork, and I have been able to order from a menu since I was a pre-teen. I also know that women -- or should a say ladies -- do not whistle, and $1 is not an appropriate tip for a $30 meal.

In other words, I have home training.

Home training can be passed along by any adult: Parents, assorted relatives and even the church ushers. There was many a time that the ushers at Perry Chapel took my gum in their gloved hands because I wasn't supposed to chew it in church, and it was amazing how quickly they could give an attitude check by seizing and twisting that sensitive skin on my upper arm.

You don't play in church either.

Home training was important to the kids I grew up with. In fact, it was so important that not having it was the number two insult of the day, right behind "Yo' Momma". To start (or instigate) a fight, all someone had to say was "You ain't got no home training." From that point on, let the fighting begin.

Here's yet another legacy that our kids are missing out on in our busy world. Too many of us don't have the time, money or energy to train our children at home, then take them out so they can practice and hone those skills. We also resent anyone else trying to tell us how "our children" are supposed to act.

As a result, these children don't know how to act in public, and that fact becomes painfully obvious to everyone the first time they attend a function.

Parents, friends and even strangers need to take more time with children -- their own and other folks'. Teach the kids how to act in various situations, then take them somewhere, anywhere, and let them hone their skills.

And remember, good home training can be displayed at McDonald's as well as it can be done at a five-star restaurant. The point is to expose children to new situations so they can learn how to handle themselves.

In order to be competent and confident adults, they'll need practice as children. Otherwise, they'll be ready to fight each time one of their adult friends whispers the dreaded phrase behind his or her hands:

"They ain't got no home training."

~Tamara Zellars Buck is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.