BUCKING THE SYSTEM: DENIAL, NOT DISCIPLINE, HURTS CHILDREN

I got "whuppins" as a child. I deserved every one of them.

I don't mean I was beaten, not even in the new, politically-correct sense. I mean when I had broken a major rule of the house or had had several smaller infractions within a short time period, I generally got hit a number of times with a belt on my backside.

No welts were left on me, and not once did I consider calling the police or a child abuse hotline on my parents.

I didn't want another whuppin'.

But my whuppin's should not be confused with whippings, which is what I consider the times in which a child is hit with a cord of some kind -- an extension cord, an iron cord, or the like -- or something else that raises welts and inflicts lingering mental or physical pain.

I know some people believe everyone should use "time out" or other nonphysical types of discipline. We had "time out" when I was a child: My "time out" was that last chance to escape punishment with only a warning from Mom or Dad. "Time out" ended and the whuppin's began when I ignored that opportunity.

It's not that my parents thought I was a disobedient child. Actually, as far as children go, I think I was pretty good. But my parents were not in denial about my personality. I was independent, even headstrong.

Try hard-headed.

Since the birth of my son, I have had a lot of discussions about discipline with other parents. I've noticed that many of the people who don't believe in "whuppins" or other physical forms of discipline were either under- or overly-disciplined as children themselves.

I have also noticed another difference: Many of them didn't consider themselves particularly loved after being disciplined. I did.

No matter how mad they were at me, I knew that 15 minutes after I was disciplined (it usually took 15 minutes for me to regain my dignity) I could go to my parents and everything would be back to normal. We might talk about the reasons for my actions or punishment, but essentially, it was over and life went on.

I didn't have a childhood in which my mistakes were held over my head or used repeatedly against me. No one called me ugly names or treated me poorly because I was "bad." I was simply a child, and sometimes I needed to be disciplined.

I respected my parents for that. More importantly, I know they respected me.

It bothers me to see a child telling her mother or father what to do or laughing at her parents' discipline. It bothers me even more when I see these children take that behavior into the schools. But what bothers me the most is when I see a parent defending that behavior.

These are children. Parents need to remember that and teach these kids some manners. I'm 25 years old, and I still have a hard time calling an older person by his or her first name. I usually add a Mrs. or Mr. to that name, and I almost always call them ma'am or sir.

It's a simple issue of respect. If a child doesn't respect his parents as the heads of the household, then bus drivers won't be respected as the leader on the buses, and teachers won't be respected as the heads of classrooms.

For me, part of that respect was developed through discipline, and that discipline was physical. However, most of that respect was developed through mutual respect. My parents gave respect as well as they got it, and what they got was considerable.

I believe in spoiling children, but not to the detriment of their personality. Everyone's personality should include a healthy dose of respect for all people, regardless of age.

Parents who have respect for their kids will show that respect, even when they are disciplining them. Parents who don't respect their children will under- or overly-discipline them, whether their using "time out", physical discipline or whatever.

Either way, the child suffers.

~Tamara Zellars Buck is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.