BUCKING THE SYSTEM: CREATIVE DISORDER ON DESK LEADS TO SOME CAREER REFLECTIONS

I embarked upon a grand adventure last Sunday when I decided to clean out, under and around my desk. As I bagged up old notebooks, press releases and scraps of paper to take to the Dumpster I made an important discovery: it's my anniversary.

I've been working for the Missourian one year this week, and many of my experiences were bound beneath the covers of those old notebooks, lost in the pages of those drab press releases. Looking through them reminded me of the nervousness I felt when began my career here last October.

Put succinctly, I was scared. I was afraid I wouldn't know who to talk to, or what questions to ask, or how to meet deadlines. Most of all, I was afraid that I couldn't write.

Not to mention when I decided to start writing a column in January. I had no idea what I would write about, so I focused on the topics I'm an expert at: Growing up a big foot country girl with a close-knit family in Charleston; being an African-American; being a new wife and mother; and experiencing life in Cape Girardeau.

They work for me.

In all my nervousness I'd completely forgotten that this is what I've wanted to do since I was 10, and that I'd gone to college specifically to study print journalism. I was stuck in the uncertainty that comes from being out of the field and from working for a tyrannical, heavy-handed administrator. I'd lost my confidence.

Although I wasn't sure I would make the grade here, I plunged in with my regular enthusiasm. Guess what -- I did know what I was doing. For the most part, I talked to the right people, asked the right questions and met my deadlines. I remembered most of the things my professors taught me and I can see definite growth in my writing over the past year.

Looking through the mess that was the creative disorder at my desk, I realize that more mature writing isn't the only thing I've gained this year. In my first column last January I wondered if "being a homegirl" in Cape Girardeau and Charleston "was going to mean being a role model as well."

According to the number of speaking engagements I've made and the dozens of letters, phone calls and visits I've received from readers who appreciate various stories I've done, I guess I am.

By the way, thanks for all of those positive points people have given me this year. Those written notes were not thrown in the trash. I put them in a nice, big folder and when I'm having a bad day and read them to give my confidence a little boost.

But don't think I've gotten the big head or anything. I realize that to retain my current celebrity I'm going to have to stay on the ball. With popularity comes responsibility, and my plan is just to keep on keeping on.

If I've written a story that made you angry because you or your organization wasn't portrayed in the best light, just know that I was doing my job. I try my hardest to be impartial in my writing even though I may voice definite opinions. Most times I'm successful; there are a few times when I'm not.

If I make a mistake, I'll do my best to correct it, and whenever possible, I'm going to continue to cover as many area schools as I can. It's not really hard to cover a beat you love, and I truly enjoy covering educational events.

Having said all of that, I guess I'd better go find a story to cover. School's never really out you know.

~Tamara Zellars Buck is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.