Biting back at squirrels

My first recollections of squirrels involve hunting. As a young "hunter-warrior," I loved to spend summer and autumn mornings in the squirrel woods stalking those elusive furry creatures. I usually carried a .22-caliber rifle with me. Combining the fact that I couldn't walk very quietly on dry leaves, and the fact that I was a poor shot, most squirrels in the woods were safe from danger.

After I wrote a short story about a squirrel I had observed during a hunting trip, I even began to grow fond of them. This squirrel had a personality all his own. He thought he was king of the woods and God's gift to the ladies the way he pranced around. That short story got an A-plus, the one and only A-plus I ever got in creative writing.

Unfortunately my fondness for squirrels has waned due to my latest experience with these little fur balls. About three months ago my sister-in-law stayed overnight with us. During breakfast she told us that she had been awakened early in the morning by the sound of gnawing. This obnoxious sound would last for 10 to 20 seconds, and then be followed by the pitter-patter of small feet on the roof. A few minutes later the gnawing sound would reverberate through her bedroom again, followed by pitter-patter. Needless to say, my sister-in-law's early morning reverie was rudely interrupted.

With my sister-in-law's description in mind I decided to investigate. I went on the roof and looked around. To my horror I found an area on the siding just above the roofline where a critter had gnawed an area about 12 inches in diameter. One area was gnawed so deeply that I could easily punch a hole through the siding with my pinkie.

"This is war!" I thought. Although I wasn't totally sure, I had the suspicion that the culprit was a tree rat, more affectionately known as a squirrel. To know what I was up against, I had to catch him (or her, I want to be politically correct), in the act. So for two or three mornings in a row, I got up at the crack of dawn and went outside to observe. Unfortunately whatever was gnawing was a no show.

I changed my tactics. I started coming home every two or three hours during the day to catch it in the act. Finally after about a week, I came up the drive very slowly. As I rounded the corner I thought I caught a glimpse of something small and dark near the gnawed area on the roof. I parked, slowly got out of the jeep, and crept down the driveway to get a better look. Sure enough, there he was.

A tree rat was comfortably lounging on the roof, while leisurely gnawing on the siding. I yelled at him and he took off like a bat out of ... what to do? First, I decided to paint over the gnawed area. I was sure that the taste of new paint would deter the little varmint from trying to get into my house. This tactic worked for about 2 days. I then found new incisor marks on the siding right in the middle of the fresh paint.

Next I decided to cover the gnawed area with chicken wire. I knew the squirrel would not try to gnaw through the wire. Unfortunately, Marvin or Marvina (I had by now given it a name) just moved a few feet up the roof and started to gnaw in another area of the siding. I now had to put more chicken wire on the siding.

Unwisely, I didn't discuss the chicken wire tactic with my wife. I can assure you that she was not thrilled with me at all. "Who wants to live in a house totally encased in chicken wire?" she said. Of course I was sure that Marvin would give up and decide to build his new home somewhere other than in my residence. Wrong. Marvin just moved a few more feet up the roofline and started gnawing again. I had to put up more chicken wire.

Next I decided to smear pest barrier over the area of roof that was adjacent to the siding. Surely Marvin wouldn't like all of that sticky stuff on his paws. Surely he would give in. Wrong again. There were new gnawed areas on the siding and the pest barrier was just smeared to the point that it was not sticky at all anymore.

One day I went home and found Marvin munching away. He saw me drive in, but didn't seem to be too concerned. He just looked at me, and then slowly focused on the hole he was gnawing on my siding. I quickly went to the back of the house and got up on the roof. Slowly I inched my way to the front of the house. I wanted to give Marvin a piece of my mind.

As I peered over the crest of the roof, Marvin spotted me. I thought he would run for his life. Not Marvin. He just slowly loped away as if to say, "You don't scare me you big bully."

Now I'm really mad. It's time for the big guns. I got out my 12-gauge and loaded it. I was going to be ready for him the next time I caught him on the roof. Unfortunately, I couldn't figure out how to shoot him and not put a hole in my roof or the siding.

Next I got some squirrel repellent and placed it on the roof. It stuck to the pest barrier that I had smeared on the roof. I can say that I haven't had any visits from Marvin lately. No new gnawed areas have shown up.

My story is not unique. I daily hear of squirrels taking one bite out of a green tomato and then moving on to the next one. I hear of squirrels digging in mulch and uprooting newly planted flowers. I hear of squirrels gnawing off the ends of twigs on trees and just dropping them on the ground.

I am beginning to wonder if there is enough room in this world for both man and squirrel.

I don't have any sure-fire methods of repelling and ridding your property of squirrels. However, here are a few suggestions:

You can try chicken wire if your spouse doesn't think it is too ugly.

Numerous repellents are on the market. Try some of these. I have had heard reports of some success with their use.

One acquaintance traps squirrels using peanuts for bait. He has released nearly 100 outside of town. (He probably put them in the woods around my house!)

I guess if all else fails squirrel stew would be in order. Unfortunately, if you live in town, this is not an option. Good luck if you become embattled with a squirrel. You may have met your match.

Send your gardening and landscape questions to Paul Schnare at P.O. Box 699; Cape Girardeau, Mo. 63702-0699 or by e-mail to news@semissourian.com.