Bad news truly out of Africa

Jan. 30, 2003

Dear Sen. Bamanga Adams,

So sorry to hear about the death of the Swedish contractor Bill Anderson. It must have been especially horrible for him to die in a plane crash knowing the Nigerian government still owed him $27.5 million. It is even more horrifying to learn of the fire last Christmas Day that destroyed the building where Mr. Anderson kept all his contracts. Now there is no proof that he ever had a contract with the government.

I understand it was your job as chairman of the Contract Review Commission to locate Mr. Anderson's next of kin. What would be the odds that his only next of kin, Mr. Denis G. Sven, was on the same flight?

Your offer to make me Mr. Anderson's beneficiary at a commission of 30 percent of the $27.5 million is too generous. But I believe you are right to say, "God helps those who help themselves."

Your desire to keep this plan top secret will be honored. Your reasoning, "because we are top and influential officials and do not want our image to be dented," is flawless.

You will not believe this, Sen. Adams, but earlier this very month I received news by e-mail of other tragedies needing my attention in Africa. One came from a lawyer named Samuel Daji who was the personal attorney for a German man who worked for Shell in South Africa. It came because the German man, his wife and three children were killed in a car wreck three years ago. Mr. Daji has been unable to locate their next of kin, either, and has only 10 more working days to do so or the $5.7 million estate will be confiscated.

Mr. Daji will offered me 40 percent of the money if I volunteer to be this unfortunate man's next of kin. Mr. Daji is even more over-generous than you.

There's more. Ahmed Bello Bamaiyi, the son of the former Nigerian minister of defense in the regime of Gen. Sani Abacha, writes with a confession that his father made quite a bit of money on arms deals and other sources of graft. Mr. Bamaiyi's father has been arrested but hid $46.1 million with a private security firm.

That's where I come in. Mr. Bamaiyi wants to make me the beneficiary of the funds so they can be transferred here. For that I get a thriftier 20 percent.

All this is nothing compared to the tragedy recently endured by Peter Bash. Rebels in Sierra Leone assassinated his father, who was the director of the Sierra Leone Diamond Corp. They also killed Mr. Bash's brothers, two house maids and a security guard. His mother then died of cardiac arrest. The remainder of the family fled to the Ivory Coast.

As soon as possible, Mr. Bash wants to bring his younger sister, Janet, to America and enroll her in college. Mr. Bash asked me to set up a bank account for him here and invest the $11.7 million his father left behind.

Boy, when it rains in Africa it pours.

Sen. Adams, I cannot allow myself to benefit from such extreme misfortunes, but I do propose to help people like yourself. I have established an organization, the Society for Concerned and Agonized Mountebanks, to dispense money from all the commissions I am to receive. As soon as your funds arrive, God is sure to begin helping you.

You may not be aware of this, but it is customary in America to send cash. Just a relatively small amount, a few thousand dollars, to show the good faith I know you have. I will inform Mr. Bash that diamonds also will do.

Once the money and diamonds are safely in the bank, everyone is invited to America. You can stay with my uncle Sam. He lives at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. in Washington, D.C. You will find very many people there who are very much like yourself, senator.

Please keep our plan top secret. Nobody likes a dented image.

Your pal, Sam

Sam Blackwell is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.