Allowing others the freedom to choose

By Ellen Shuck

Decisions, decisions and more decisions. That's the stuff of which life is made. The question is; do you have to approve of everybody's perspective, for their choices to be the right ones?

Parents, particularly, have a hard time agreeing with the decisions their kids make. You can have difficulty understanding why anyone thinks and acts as they do. You may attempt to change them or force them into adopting your point of view.

You're usually afraid they might fail, ruin their lives or the lives of others. If they would only listen to you, you could save them from much heartbreak and missed opportunities in life.

So when they fail to heed your warnings and follow the path you recommend, you're overwrought. Instead of accepting their choices, you toss and turn, worry and lose sleep -- all because you are older and wiser than they. Why don't they heed your warnings?

Jack was a college freshman and doing quite well at the school, a distance away from his parents. He fell in love with a pretty young girl who also attended an academic institution.

Jack's mother, Ella, could accept the fact that Jack claimed to have a girlfriend whom he liked very much. But when Jack dropped the bomb that they planned to marry soon, it was almost more than Ella could tolerate.

She became very upset, and relationships within the home seemed to deteriorate for a while. As Ella wrung her hands and tried to cope with her tangled, frayed nerves, she thought of the negative results if Jack followed through with his plan to marry so young -- at age 19.

She could count the repercussions of such an act. He would lose some of his scholarships and encounter other like consequences if he married.

Nevertheless, in spite of the obstacles, Jack refused to relent.

In talking with Ella, I suggested -- since she couldn't seem to talk him out of what she perceived as making a mistake -- she should step back, declaring she had done all she could, and extend to him the freedom to make a mistake. If it came to that, he would have to sink or swim.

All parents go through the experience of disagreeing with their children's decisions. You think you know best, and you can save them from suffering, if they will only listen to you.

But you eventually have to give them the freedom to succeed, make a mistake or fail. It's unfair to attempt to force them into your way of seeing things. You can talk and wail, but there's only a certain amount you can do.

You would not be who you are now if you had been denied the freedom and opportunity to live your life as you saw fit.

In dealing with children, people often quote the Scripture, "Train a child up in the way he should go, and when he's old he will not depart from it," (Proverbs 22-6).

The passage refers to raising children to follow God, but it can apply to other areas of life, also. You hope by exposing people to the right teachings and guidance, including vocational and moral, the person will learn and follow.

The crux comes when the right to freedom of choice fails to be given when someone reaches the age of reason. If someone is plagued by mental challenges or age-related immaturity, their freedom of choice is necessarily limited.

According to Genesis 2:16 -17, God said to Adam, "You may not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you shall surely die." There were dire consequences when they chose to eat from the forbidden tree.

Don't take away one's freedom to make choices and to discover consequences. You can only offer your advice, and then step back.