You asked, so here are some honest answers

Q. Joe, you recently blamed strange weather patterns -- specifically, the way rainstorms seem to bypass Cape Girardeau -- on aliens. I thought your thinking was goofy at the time, and now that we've had record rainfall for August, don't you want to apologize?

A. For what? For being right? Look, as soon as you finger any extraterrestrial, he (or she, or it) is going to set things up to make us humans look stupid. Hence, the daily rains in our area. You think we're getting all this rain by chance? No way. These aliens, who know how to manipulate weather patterns, are trying to make it look like I don't know what I'm talking about. OK, they're right about that, but don't be fooled. There are unknown beings out there, and they're having fun with us. Watch your step.

Q. I saw you in your car the other morning waiting for the light to change at the intersection of Broadway and Kingshighway. You didn't look any too happy. What gives?

A. First of all, let me say I marvel at your ability to see anyone in a car these days. What with the shaded windows, I find it all but impossible to see anyone in another car. Which is why I rarely wave at other motorists. I have no idea who they are. What's your secret? Do you have x-ray vision? Second of all, you are right. When you see me at that particular intersection, I am usually not happy. I don't think anyone should have to wait longer for the light to turn green than it takes to listen to an entire Mahler symphony. But that's what happens far too often. Traffic backs up for red lights in every direction (I think there are something like 17 straight ahead, right turn and left turn options at that signal) while lanes with green lights have no traffic at all. I figure two things: 1. A computer must be involved. 2. The computer must have been programmed by a highway engineer. I'm certain I'm not alone in wishing someone at City Hall or MoDOT would do something about this -- and many other -- poorly timed signals at busy intersections. Just imagine how much $3-plus-a-gallon gasoline is being wasted by vehicles waiting for lights to change.

Q. I wonder, Joe, how you handle the following situation: You are waiting at a red light. The driver in front of you is texting on her cellphone. The light turns green. The texting motorists is more interesting in the nonsense on her phone than in being an alert driver. What do you do?

A. Honestly? I do what every red-blooded American motorist does. First, I shout at the inattentive driver, then I shake my fists in a threatening way. I do these things because my windows are closed and no one can see or hear me. At least that's what I always assumed (see Q and A above). Now that I know other motorists have some sort of rare vision and can see -- and possibly hear -- everything I do, I intend to drive to the nearest auto salvage yard and get one of those air horns found on semis and mount it on my car. I can't wait to use it the next time a texting driver holds up traffic after I've waited so long for the light to change. I intend to tune the air horn to a Mahler symphony.

Q. Joe, have you been downtown recently? Have you seen the weeds that are sprouting up along Broadway? Didn't you predict this would happen after the multimillion-dollar spruce up?

A. Indeed, I predicted Broadway would show signs of neglect, but I was wrong. I said it would take a couple of years. It only took one.

Dear Reader: If you have questions, please let me know. As you can see, I will answer them as plainly as I know how. How do you get your questions to me? Now that's a great question, and I think all of you are smart enough to figure out a decent answer. When you have a question and aren't smart enough, let me know.

Joe Sullivan is the retired editor of the Southeast Missourian.