Why your child's personality should determine how you parent

"He gets that from you." How many times have you said that to your partner about one of your children? My son talks nonstop and when he's upset, he's loud about it, which I know is 100% my DNA.

Personality traits like talkativeness and adaptability are hard-wired, so those teasing comments we all make to the other parent are rooted in truth. This is according to the 2010 study titled "On the Contextual Independence of Personality" conducted at the University of California at Riverside. Christopher Nave, the study's author, wrote, "personality resides within people, and is manifest through behavior in diverse ways across the varied settings of life."

Teaching any child how to be a good human starts with knowing their personality. Dr. Kimberly Bell, Ph.D., is the clinical director of the Hadden Clinic for Children and Families at The Hanna Perkins Center in Cleveland. She says the key to helping a child develop is "really about meeting a child where they are and moving them forward in bearable bits."

For example, a child who is by nature an introvert or "slower to warm up" is a child who would not respond well to someone pushing her into social situations or demanding she look you in the eye, which is a mistake I often made with my daughter. She was more of an observer. She was quiet and avoided social interactions, and she let her older sister (who is more like her little brother) dominate our attention.

Since she was slower to warm, I gave her space. What I didn't realize was many times she was struggling and probably could have used my help. Parents should guide each child to a balanced middle ground through small steps — those bearable bits.

We don't see a big diversity in discipline strategies, though. Most focus on the strong-willed child. But parents also need to have their antennae up for the quiet child who seems to cope well on her own. A strong-willed child may act out in an obvious way, but the quiet child may suffer in silence while acting in. If a child's personality doesn't mirror their parents', then the child may even feel easily overlooked or disregarded — not seen. This can exacerbate a child's anxiety. I know I could have done better in this regard.

"Knowing your children and learning what works for them is important," says Bell. She stresses that when it comes to behavior issues, how you help a child should also depend on their personality. There are many behavior modification books on the market for parents, but Bell cautions "none take into account that a child's personality has to mesh with the book's approach in order for it to work." Personality style impacts how your child will respond to you as a parent and understanding your child's individual personality traits will help you adjust your parenting approach to meet their needs and help them succeed.