Welcome to a brief overview of Global Marketing 101

This is an introductory course that will include 13 sessions. By the time you have completed all the requirements of Global Marketing 101, you will be filthy rich. Or in jail. (If arrested, please refer to a related course, Legal Shenanigans 102, offered as needed. Hourly fees of $500 will be assessed.)

Session 1: The Startup. In this first session you will create a giant multinational corporation. You can name your corporation anything you want, but a good choice might be Nosy. Branding is essential to a top grade in Global Marketing 101, so push your corporation's name -- Nosy -- every opportunity you get.

Session 2: The Product. In this session you will define a product to be marketed by Nosy. It doesn't have to be the best product, and don't worry too much about competitors' products, because they're not all that great either. Keep in mind that breaking paradigms is a way to move rapidly up the grading chart. So be creative. For example, Nosy is an international electronics giant. One likely product to consider for Global Marketing 101 might be a movie. Not just a movie, a comedy. Not just a comedy, but a pretty gosh-awful comedy with a couple of lame stars. (By now you should be developing some sense of why Global Marketing 101 is such a necessary exercise.)

Session 3: The Pitch. As the release date for Nosy's goofy movie approaches, you will be expected to develop target audiences and coordinate advertising strategies aimed at sales success. Be sure to make all come-ons sound like you are about to release the Best Movie Ever Made, which, of course, you aren't. But the suckers being born every minute haven't figured that out. Yet.

Session 4: The Stir. The most important thing to remember as you guide your made-up company, Nosy, through the labyrinth of advertising and marketing and distribution is this: No matter what it takes, make sure your potential suckers -- audience -- notice your product, even though it's third-rate and useless. Who cares?

Session 5: The Twist. Turn off every computer and server owned by Nosy. Shut 'em down. Throw the power grid to the wolves. (The off switch, by the way, is the one painted blue on the green wall next to the red door that has a sign: "Do NOT turn off the blue switch! Ever!")

Session 6: The Press Release. Reach out to every media outlet in the world -- every one of them! -- and make sure they understand that you have no idea -- none whatsoever! -- why all of Nosy's servers went dark at exactly the same time, even in the customer-service megahub in Calcutta. Don't speculate on what outside villain might be responsible. The media are quite adept at dreaming up their own facts.

Session 7: The Push. In this crucial session of Global Marketing 101, you will be introduced to some of the finer points of toying with public impressions and public sentiment. Pick a "bad guy" to set up for the fall. Pick some hairball leader of some gutless country. Tell the world he did it. You know he did it. He's a bully, and he did it. Someone saw him do it. Swear that he's the bad guy. Do not let up. Ever.

Session 8: The Threat. In this session you will learn how to word a carefully structured statement showing that Nosy, the maligned international electronics conglomerate, is being threatened by the bad guy. The bad guy is threatening to retaliate. With bombs. Or something.

Session 9: The Constitution. In this session you will read the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, and you will declare that Nosy's constitutional right to free speech is being impinged by the bad guy. You will learn how to deftly gloss over the fact that the bad guy's country doesn't have a First Amendment. It doesn't even have a constitution. Make sure this is seen as totally irrelevant.

Session 10: The Appeal. In this critical juncture of Global Marketing 101, you will rely on the leader of the free world to pick up the marketing crusade for Nosy's pretty worthless product. You will learn how to schedule a White House news conference and how to write a script for the president in which he announces that threatening Nosy because of its lamebrain product is an act of war and will be met with an appropriate response. And act like you mean it.

Session 11: The Misdirection. In this session you will learn the art of international diplomacy. This will be crucial for making sure no one bothers to think about the fact that your made-up international electronics giant is a Japanese company. Not American at all. In which case you will want to be prepared, if necessary, to wonder aloud why the prime minister of Japan -- heck, maybe the emperor -- isn't throwing some choice epithets in the direction old Mr. Bad Guy himself.

Session 12: The Reversal. After announcing that the bad guy has effectively blocked the distribution of your goofy product, in violation of your free-speech rights, make another announcement. This time, make sure everyone who has heard anything at all about this ruckus -- that would be everyone in the world except deceased relatives -- is given an opportunity to purchase this Nosy blockbuster.

Session 13: The Ka-ching! In this final session of Global Marketing 101 you will get tips on offshore tax havens and how to write a truly memorable Oscar acceptance speech. You also will be expected to bring along a check for 20 percent of all movie royalties. Note: No academic credit will be awarded until all checks have cleared. And remember the no-liability agreement you signed at the start of the course. We are not responsible for any legal expenses. None at all.

Joe Sullivan is the retired editor of the Southeast Missourian.