THINGS ARE SO BAD FOR DEMOCRATS, MAYBE DUKAKIS WILL TRY A COMEBACK

We are down to the wire in New Hampshire. A teeny-weeny, overwhelmingly Republican state with about one million people is in the process of choosing the Democratic nominee for president. As of now the polls say it will be former Senator Paul Tsongas of Massachusetts. You've heard of him, of course? He's a figure of national renown sort of a modern day Millard Fillmore, except Fillmore was more exciting.

If the polls are right and Tsongas wins New Hampshire, we will move on to the great states of Maine and South Dakota, two additional Republican strongholds. About 10,000 people will vote in the Maine caucuses. The experts say the cities to watch on election night are Lewiston and Madawaska. That's where presidents are born, you know. The South Dakota Democratic primary may draw about 30,000 people and a few elk. America will be glued to the TV screen as the returns come in from Sioux Falls, Rapid City and Aberdeen. South Dakota looks a lot like adjoining Nebraska very vacant. Senator Bob Kerrey of vacant Nebraska should run well in vacant South Dakota.

So after the first four presidential contests of 1992, here's what we could have. Senator Tom Harkin you've heard of him, of course ran against himself and won in the caucuses of Republican Iowa. Tsongas got 4 percent of the votes, running second and claimed a moral victory. It doesn't take much to claim moral victories these days. After Tsongas' presumed win in New Hampshire, he becomes our Democratic pseudo Cinderella. Maine could also go for fellow New Englander Tsongas. Kerrey could win South Dakota.

What's going on here? We have a two-party system in America. In theory, each party should nominate its best, brightest and most electible candidate to present to the voters in November. So how do we go about it?

For the Democratic selection process, we turn to four underpopulated, obscure, who-cares-about-'em states that customarily vote overwhelmingly Republican in November. We ask a few people in those states to be the influential lead-off batters in an exhausting, ever-lasting presidential primary system.

No other democracy anywhere has such a scatter-brained process. No other nation would have a system in which four minuscule, conservative constituencies would have an influential impact on selecting the liberal standard bearer.

On the eve of the New Hampshire primary, Paul Tsongas is becoming the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee. Does he stand today as the best and brightest and most electable candidate the party has to offer? Of course not. But quirky, perverse New Hampshire influenced by Tsongas name recognition from his Senate days on neighboring Boston TV and the movement of Massachusetts residents into New Hampshire stands ready to anoint him as Democrat of the hour. Historians call the New Hampshire primary "the great leveler." It leveled Harry Truman and Lyndon Johnson. This time it may level the entire Democratic party.

Things are so bad for the Democrats that they are beginning to yearn for a comeback attempt by Michael Dukakis.