The fully automated column

Welcome to River City Journal, the world's first fully automated tele-column.

If you are calling to hear this week's column, press 1.

If you are calling to hear previous columns, press 2.

If you are calling to suggest column ideas, follow these instructions carefully: Call the blood relative who lives farthest from you. Ask your relative (no twice-removed cousins, please) to select Option 2 or Item 74 from the menu in Column 9 and enter the appropriate activity code.

If you are a member of the Faithful Readers Club and have no outstanding balances for dues, trinkets or service fees, please feel free to use the following menu to suggest the topic for this week's column:

If you still aren't bored by Joe Sullivan's childhood memories of growing up on Killough Valley, press 1.

If you are particularly interested in recent medical advances using duct tape during surgery, press 2.

If you did not receive proper credit for your last payment for greens fees at the World Famous Downtown Golf Course, press 3.

If you are calling about turning the old bridge into a walking trail and craft mall (sponsored by the Empty Bleach Container Recycling Association), please make a note that this option has been discontinued and call the U.S. Coast Guard at 314-539-3091.

If you have still more reasons why Hizzoner is wrong (please submit by the dozen), press 4.

If you understand what's going on in California, press 5.

Thank you for choosing the EZ-gripe option. The following menu will allow you to vent your spleen and receive full Speak Out credits for your account.

If you would like to review your account, please call 334-5111 and whistle "Dixie" until the cows come home.

If you think having a milk cow would be fun while providing an abundant supply of fresh dairy products, please hang up now and try again later. All future calls will be blocked.

Please select your gripe of the day from the following menu:

If you think the city deserves yet another gut punch for building the roundabout, press 1.

If you would like to see North Sprigg Street permanently restricted to one lane while the university is in session, press 2.

If you think bread pudding made from the Holiday Inn recipe should be required by law at every Cape Girardeau restaurant, press 3.

If you would like to have a bungee-jumping port added to the top of the Marquette Hotel, press 4.

If you would prefer to have two hours of "Car Talk" on KRCU on Saturday mornings -- and just one hour of Michael Feldman's "Whad'ya Know?" -- press 5.

If you would like to have a retractable floodwall in downtown Cape Girardeau, press 6.

Thank you for completing the semissourian.com online survey regarding lights for the new bridge. Respondents overwhelmingly believe the lights should be red, white and blue instead of just plain old vanilla.

If you would like to respond to other surveys that have been mentioned in previous River City Journal columns, please go to the Web site of your choice and see if you can find them.

If you would like to speak to a real, live person, call Hizzoner at his day job.

If you would like to speak to a column-quality representative, please stay on the line, and the next available somebody from someplace will take your call.

All representatives everywhere are currently busy with other things like shopping online to avoid sales taxes. Your approximate waiting time will be ...

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R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.