NEWTON'S LAW: FOR GOODNESS SAKE, AMERICA NEEDS A HEATHY DOSE OF EVIL

If Ronald Reagan brought any particular talent to his two terms as president, it was an ability to sum up in one compact phrase what an entire nation believed.

He became known as the Great Communicator not for his gift of reasoned oration but for his capacity to succinctly and sincerely get a point across. His was a presidency when the sound bite came into full bloom.

True, some of his best lines were lifted. When he was threatening to veto a particular piece of legislation, he borrowed a phrase from Hollywood tough guy Clint Eastwood. "Go ahead," he told Congress, "make my day."

Not all of these lines were delivered on the offensive. When Iran-Contra investigators came to call on Mr. Reagan, he recited this line numerous times: "I don't remember." Don't fool yourself into thinking he was the first public officeholder to fall back on amnesia when trouble was brewing.

At his best, however, Ronald Reagan could touch a nerve in Americans like no other president. In his first term, he did just that by calling the Soviet Union the "evil empire." Bingo. White House speech writers must have been slapping high fives afterwards.

They were two lonely words, an adjective and noun. They had a certain alliterative quality, like "wicked witch." Most importantly, though, they capsulized what most Americans thought about the Soviets, which is that they were bad to the bone.

These weren't nice people. They were God-hating, war-loving, land-annexing, bomb-building Communists who would like nothing better than to mount a red star atop the Washington monument and put all Idaho citizens to work in vodka distilleries. Their athletes were steroid-enhanced monsters. In the movies, Soviet military officers were portrayed at ferret-faced barbarians. In real life, they shot down civilian airliners.

Americans didn't need much prompting to think this way. Ronald Reagan only gave federal sanction to what we always suspected.

Now, just like that, a mere breath of time later in the broad span of history, the evil empire is no longer ... no longer evil, no longer an empire. These were good folks all along caught up in some rather intense brainwashing.

Plenty of talk now centers on the opportunities abounding in the breakup of the Soviet Union. There are opportunities to enhance trade, to share culture, to work for the common good of mankind and freedom.

The nuts of the world had also better get themselves into shape.

The fact of the matter is this:

America needs evil.

Heaven needs a Hell. Ying needs a Yang. Americans see themselves as good guys, so bad guys are required.

You think John Wayne became The Duke by riding the range and rounding up little dogies. Forget it. He shot up a few thousand marauding Indians to earn his meal ticket. You don't earn your white hat unless someone is around with a black hat ... or, in his case, a feathered headdress.

So, listen up, all you kooks, you crazies, you loony tunes. Here's your chance to capture the American fascination. The United States could use a good villain.

Saddam Hussein remains the top seed. We thumped his forces real good in Desert Storm, but he's still hanging around, probably with some plutonium hidden away. His capacity for doing the dumb thing probably has not been exhausted yet.

What about you, Moammar? Time for a comeback?

And you're telling me the Ayatollah Khomeini doesn't have someone in the bloodline with an atrocity to share?

Help us, Fidel. Are there no hemispheric crises left in you, even for old time's sake?

Pay attention, all you maniacs. We have an opening.

While this makes for a clever "Help Wanted" ad, there is a di~stressing reality involved here. When these openings arise, there are always plenty of applicants.