NEWTON'S LAW: CARTOON ANALYST SHOULD GRAB REALITY WHILE THERE'S STILL TIME

Okay, we've dispensed with Saddam Hussein, the boil on humanity's buttocks. Let us now move on to address some domestic scoundrels ... like Ted Turner and Bart Simpson.

Wars are fought on many fronts. Good has triumphed over evil in the Persian Gulf but we can't let down our guards for a minute. The battle for our hearts and minds rages. So too does at least one guardian in this fight.

In this instance, his name is L. Brent Bozell III, a no-nonsense name for an ever-vigilant soul, a good American with a righteous mission.

Most adults look at television cartoons and their brains shift into neutral. Bozell watches these same cartoons and sees insurrection.

Right there in our living rooms, the Left is having its way. Had Karl Marx been born later, his manifesto would be abridged in TV Guide.

Bozell recognizes this ... and I don't necessarily sleep better knowing it.

Bozell works for an outfit called the Media Research Center, a foundation that monitors what it calls "the liberal bias" of the news and entertainment industries.

While allied forces were busy last Wednesday liberating Kuwait, Bozell was issuing a report in Alexandria, Va., saying that American cartoons, including "The Simpsons," were stinking with leftist influence.

He insisted that the programs are "slick propaganda tools for the contemporary left's agenda, aimed at politically indoctrinating America's youth."

Well, it seems L. Brent Bozell III has been a rather busy guy. Just who put the bee under his bonnet?

One of Turner's network's, it seems, carries a show called "Captain Planet and the Planeteers." Bozell said the show portrays "greedy businessmen who selfishly pollute the environment." Voices on the cartoon are provided by liberal celebrities like Ed Asner, Whoopi Goldberg, Sting and Martin Sheen, adds Bozell.

(A Turner spokesman, who accused Bozell of "rhetorical excess," claimed that the Planeteers don't pick on businessmen, just "eco-villians." Oh.)

And how does "The Simpsons" damage our youth, besides the obvious ways? Says Bozell, "(The show) routinely parrots the radical environmentalists' slams against the nuclear-power industry."

Gosh, Brent, don't have a cow.

Maybe this guy was born too late. His work should have started years ago.

Think about the "Archie" comics of yesterday, a bunch of white teenagers hanging around malt shops and worshiping souped-up automobiles. What a terrible stereotype to attach to our young people. And they supplied derogatory nicknames to match the physical attributes of their friends, Moose and Jughead. How's that for golden rule indoctrination, Mr. Bozell?

There was also a comic called "Richie Rich," which was basically about a kid so wealthy he had problems playing with all his toys. I knew not a soul my age who didn't want to be Richie Rich. Is avarice a proper lesson to be taken from comics? The Media Research Center is silent on the issue.

"The Lone Ranger" could not have been very constructive viewing. The depiction of Tonto, the Indian sidekick, and his confused sense of personal pronouns ("Me go to town, find doctor.") bordered on racism.

And what about Batman and Robin? Here were two single, co-habitating males who would regularly dress up in masks and tight trousers. Talk about indoctrination. Superman wore a rather form-fitting outfit himself. While I understand Clark Kent has recently wed, I don't remember him being much of a babe hound when I was younger.

Where was L. Brent Bozell III when we really needed him? Just with the comics I've named, Americans could have turned into snide, greedy racists with unclear sexual orientations.

My advice would be for Bozell to take a leave of absence and make every effort to recapture some reality. If ever the phrase "get a life" applied, it is here.

Maybe he's just been watching too many cartoons.