Mother is baffled by her sons' boisterous personalities

Dear Dr. Dobson: Help! I'm a mother of two sons, and I feel as if I've been thrust into a strange new world. Are boys always so rough? Sometimes the noise level in our house is more than I can take! Is this normal?

Dear Reader: I've got both good and bad news for you -- it is normal, so you'd better get used to it and learn to cope! One of my colleagues, Dr. Tim Irwin, once shared his observation that women who have not grown up with brothers are often shocked by the sheer physicality of boys -- by the sights and sounds and smells they generate. Some, like you, admit they are completely clueless in knowing how to deal with them. One obvious suggestion is to help boys release their excess energy by getting them involved in activities where fighting, laughing, running, tumbling and yelling are acceptable. Soccer, karate, baseball and football are a few possibilities. Mothers also need to keep boys' little minds and hands busy. It's in their best interest to do so.

Dear Dr. Dobson: My teen daughter, Cynthia, and I have incredible fights sometimes. No one has ever gotten to me in quite the way she can. We actually yell at each other when these battles are going on. How unusual is that kind of conflict between mothers and daughters? Is there hope for us?

Dear Reader: Unfortunately, it is common. Many psychologists have described a "thing" that occurs between some mothers and teenage daughters. Even though they love each other, the friction between them can generate a lot of heat. It probably results from a natural competitiveness that occurs between females in the family. It can also be caused by a mother's inability to cope with a difficult and antagonistic child. Whatever the source, it can make life unpleasant for several years. I know women who would give their lives for their daughters, yet they say with fire in their eyes, "I don't even like her very much right now." That appears to be what you and your teenager are experiencing at this time.

Is there hope for a better relationship in years to come? Yes, I believe you will overcome it. Getting Cynthia through adolescence and into adulthood will change everything. I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't become one of your best friends down the road. So, take heart. A better day is coming.

Dear Dr. Dobson: What can we do in the meantime? How can I deal with this wildcat who lives under my roof?

Dear Reader: Before I answer, tell me what your husband's relationship with Cynthia is.

Dear Dr. Dobson: It's good. She doesn't pull the same stuff on him that she does with me. What are you getting at?

Dear Reader: He may hold the key to the tension in your home. Fathers can play a valuable role as peacemakers and mediators at a time like this. They can help you ventilate anger and find acceptable compromises where they are appropriate. Cynthia may listen to her father. When teenagers are greatly irritated with one parent, they will sometimes seek to draw closer to the other. It's like a nation at war that seeks supportive allies. If fathers are favored in that way, they can calm the troubled waters and keep two women from killing each other. Without this masculine influence, routine skirmishes can turn into World War III.

Send your questions to Dr. James Dobson, c/o Focus on the Family, P.O. Box 444, Colorado Springs, Colo. 80903. Dobson is the chairman of the board for Focus on the Family.