MISSOURIANA

Times change. In colonial times, the worst news was "The British are coming!" Today it's "My computer just died!"

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Prices have jumped so high on cigarettes that the cost of smoking tobacco is more than the fine for lighting a joint of marijuana.

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The most recent version of Missouri's highway plan calls for motorists not to expect any improvements until workers install detour signs on the only route into town.

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After a cost of more than $3 billion, the court-ordered school desegregation plan in Missouri has produced lower test scores for urban students in every subject except Bus Riding.

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Defenders of President Clinton claim his removal would harm the nation's economy. But that's an exaggeration, unless Washington can't afford one more unemployment check.