MISSOURI WATCH: GRADING THE CLASS AT CAPITOL HIGH

As this year's school term ends, hundreds of thousands of children all over Missouri are returning home, holding grade cards that will either delight or infuriate their parents, the folks who must foot the bill for many months of work, study and learning.

As this year's session ends, nearly 200 legislators all over Missouri are also returning home, yet lacking a grade card that will either delight or infuriate their constituents, the folks who must foot the bill for many weeks of work, study and learning.

It doesn't seem fair that these hard-working, studious lawmakers do not have something to show the voters back home, so in order to fill the void, here is a report card on the last Second regular Session. Feel free to compose your own card for your representative and senator.

Name: Hon. Phil A. Buster

Address: Hometown, Missouri

School: Capitol School, Jefferson City, 65101

English: Student continues to demonstrate need for basic grammar instruction. Has tendency to misuse English, even while discussing need to make it Official Language of the state. Poor diction adds to difficulty of understanding those who live in southern portions of the district and those from large cities. Still unable to pronounce "Missourah."

Geography: Students from St. Louis experience great difficulty in locating any part of the state that is not east of Interstate 270. Kansas City students do much better, although one was lost for a week while looking for a Hill in St. Louis. Students elsewhere are much more knowledgeable, perhaps due to the widespread use of pickup trucks.

Mathematics: Student is still distressingly confused about difference between million and billion, often mixing up the two. Does not seem to comprehend that pennies can equal millions when used in computation of tax rates. On the plus side, student can quickly compute how many meals from lobbyists will be needed each week to supplement per diem allowance.

Science: Student is an enthusiastic supporter of computers and requests more than have been budgeted. Tends to rely more heavily on simple tasks performed by computer than on individual application of pen and pencil. Still unable to grasp fact that computer is a poor substitute for individual homework, brainpower and mental concentration.

Government: Student clearly demonstrates knowledge of this field and can often cite arcane facts that are incidental to class assignment, such as number of registered voters in his neighborhood and how many state jobs are not under the merit system.

Physical Education: Although a rapid fan of improved and new stadiums, student prefers to be a spectator at professional athletic contests, but only when invited by a lobbyist. Only one student in the class has any background in graduate-level football.

Deportment: Student is generally well behaved and his courtesy to others has improved as time draws nearer to the grading period. The anti-social habit of many students to join a gang and cultivate friends only within that group has produced a we-versus-them concept that is not healthy for the student body as a whole. Despite our best efforts, this negative habit of forming gangs and waging war on those who intrude into their territory has produced too many tense moments in the classroom, and a majority appears unwilling to cooperate in events designed to break down this parochial behavior.

Concentration: Student needs more work in this field. is concentration appears to be sufficient when a term gets under way, but within a relatively short period of time, other interests distract some who become obsessed with dating, binging and beer parties. Concentration seems to return by the end of session, but by then, insufficient time remains to complete classroom assignments.

Responsiveness: Student's record in this area is mixed, with good responsiveness to wishes of those within his circle of friends or gang, but record is poor in meeting needs of others who are unknown or play in different sandboxes. Student on occasion appears to be disinterested in those who are members of another gang or of a different economic status.

Overall Evaluation: Student appears to be trying and thus qualifies for a conditional passing grade. Some remedial work is in order before promotion to the next grade, but, unfortunately, term limits may be applied before student can achieve graduation with honors.

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of the Missouri News and Editorial Service.