Are black parents raising victims or victors?

This is likely to touch some nerves, but I am not averse to offering thoughts that cause people to react. Too many don't think deeply enough. Instead, we take things for granted, see the status quo as the way things must be and never question mindsets we've held all of our lives.

A friend on social media posted something most people do not want to consider, something I have often contemplated and something to which I wish people would respond honestly. Most will not be honest, however, because the topic makes us uncomfortable.

The post began, "I'm not saying this to suggest that racism does not exist." I'm glad she got that out of the way because the first thing folks want to say whenever someone dives into this topic is that people bury their heads in the sand and act like racism is a thing of the past. So there you have it. As a black woman, she clearly understands the history of racism, and she's not so foolish as to think it has been eradicated. However, she continued, "I am saying that most blacks are raised to believe they are less than. That's exactly what it means when your parents tell you that you were born with strikes against you by being black."

It is true that almost from the first breath, black children are taught life will be difficult for them not because life is difficult for everyone, because it's a dog-eat-dog world or because climbing the ladder of success is just that -- a climb -- but because they are black, because people seek to suppress them simply because they are black and because, as blacks, they have to battle for everything: "You have to work twice as hard to get half as far" is one common saying in a black household. We also hear that we cannot be just as good as others; we have to be better."

Now, we could have a spirited conversation, I'm sure, addressing those ideas. But that's not even the point -- not really. The overarching question I pose is a question with which I have grappled. I'm not a parent, so discovering the answer is not as urgent for me as it is for those who are raising children: Should parents teach their children what so many of them do teach -- that the system is rigged against them; thus, they have to be on guard, see themselves in competition with others precisely because of their race and, basically, that rare is the black person who can achieve greatness? Does adopting that mindset push them to succeed, or does it hinder progress before they even get started? Would it be better to not taint their thinking but to teach them, rather, to work at success because that's what all productive members of society do, teach them that with hard work and perseverance, everyone has equal opportunity, albeit not equal outcomes? Is it wiser to not sow seeds of victimhood into them that create fear, bitterness and excuses for failure? Which is the right thing to do? At what point does the racism talk become a problem that does more damage to their kids than any racism they might face? Do they see prejudice where it doesn't exist because they've been taught to look for it? Or is it necessary to emphasize racism for their children's benefit? Are blacks setting their children up for failure by depositing the victim, rather than the victor, mentality into them? These are deep questions with which, again, I grapple.

On one hand, I see the value of making sure young people know that some folks have serious racial issues. However, I also find that, ironically, some find power in victimhood. That oxymoronic mindset provides reasons to offer excuses for falling short, to complain and, for some, to hate. I also am baffled by black Christians who run around the church -- literally -- on Sunday declaring that "with God all things are possible" and that "whom God has blessed, no man can curse," but on Monday, run around the neighborhood shouting that they cannot get ahead because of the white man. I'm not sure how to reconcile those two things.

While black parents teach their children what they cannot do, the post that inspired this column stated, "Asian, Caucasian, Hispanic, and all other ethnic groups teach their kids how to achieve. They don't have collective mentalities."

I already feel the resistance.

Some black people reading this resist because they resist anything that denies they are victims who are entitled to complain about it -- and they especially are offended when it's a black person denying it. Accusations such as "Who do you think you are?" and "You're brainwashed" and "You're a sellout" are hurled.

Some white people reading this resist because they feel it makes them more "woke" to denigrate their own race and accuse them of racism. They love to discuss the sad state of affairs for blacks, ignorantly thinking they're helping us with their "soft bigotry of low expectations." Some even dare to school black folks on how to be better blacks and preach to us about the terrors of racism -- as if we didn't know. It's rather insulting, actually, but they don't see it.

Children are not here for adults to exploit, though we're seeing a lot of that lately. But there are parents who just want to do right by their children. It's time we started considering what we're teaching them. Even in our attempt to prepare them for the "real world," is it possible we're setting them up to fail by teaching them what they cannot do because of what someone else wants to do to them? Is it better to teach them what they can do and what we expect them to do, which is succeed? I offer all of this as food for thought. We have to ask the hard questions and be willing to listen. And what is the key to seeing the progress we say we want to see? Maybe, just maybe, my friend is correct in the advice she offered black parents at the conclusion of her post: "Break the stereotypes that you created."

Adrienne Ross is owner of Adrienne Ross Communications and a former Southeast Missourian editorial board member. Contact her at aross@semissourian.com.