ANSWERS MAY HELP LEGISLATORS RESPOND TO CONSTITUENTS ANGRY OVER LACKLUSTER SESSION

Don't you think it's time to give your poor state legislator a break now that he's undergone the acrimonious disgust of hundreds, yes thousands, of his constituents for the lousy, despicable, incomprehensible record of this year's session of the General Assembly?

Picture your legislator at this very moment, cringing in some dark corner of a safe haven, without food, light or any of the goodies the Jefferson City lobbyists have forced him to take, even enjoy, during the past five and a half months. The poor fellow -- or poor lady as the case may be -- is afraid that is he ventures forth from his secured hideout, the public will get its pound of flesh by failing to contribute heavily to his next campaign or, even worse, will actively work against him if he dares to show himself at the polls one more time.

In the name of humanity and all that is good on Planet Earth, I have compiled a list of answers, that hopefully, will permit our beleaguered lawmakers to make it through the year without further citizen harassment.

Answer No. 1: "Do you mean the General Assembly actually met this year? Nobody ever told me we were supposed to meet." By pretending he wasn't around to collect his salary, per diem payments and other allowances, the legislator can preserve the myth that he had nothing to do with that the General Assembly did from January through May 12.

Answer No. 2: "The leadership simply wouldn't listen to the wise counsel I gave them in making this session one that would go down in history as one of the greatest. I had a plan all mapped out to serve the public interest, but would they listen to me? Not on your life!" By pretending that he knew how to accomplish something, anything, the besieged lawmaker turns voter wrath from himself to "The Leadership," a small group of lawmakers who are masochistic enough to want a slightly larger office than the average legislator.

Answer No. 3: "I attempted to introduce several measures to cure the very problems you have just mentioned, but before I could get my bills to the office of the House (or Senate) Clerk for filing, my dog ate them." With this response, the lawmaker establishes his desire to meet the needs of angry constituents, and if they believe this sorry explanation, that's their problem.

Answer No. 4: "I tackled one of the toughest problems that faced our beloved state for years, namely the correction of acoustical dissonance within the historic walls of our beloved state Capitol building, and I believe that through my hard work and my diligent efforts to secure its success, we will have struck a mighty blow for historic preservation in our beloved, historic statehouse." This gives the harassed a chance to take the initiative against the harasser, and it places him or her above the purely partisan politics that characterized this spring's session.

Answer No. 5: "Half of the things the news media wrote or broadcast about this year's session were lies." This establishes the defending lawmakers as at least a half-honest politician, which in itself may be vindication in a world where Truth is, at best, an endangered species and may have disappeared altogether in recent months.

Here are five answers, Honorable Representatives and Senators, that could save you from an embarrassing, even humiliating confrontation with angry constituents. A final word of advice: Commit the answers to memory or you may have no alternative but to sign the petition calling for your recall.

~Jack Stapleton of Kennett is the editor of the Missouri News and Editorial Service.