Adrienne's top 10 laws of communication

Communication has gone downhill big time. I used to think it was mainly the younger folks who no longer understood the basics, but I’ve learned that poor communication has become an equal opportunity oppressor. So I dedicate today to some principles that every one of us should apply.

I write my list with humor, but humor be darned, I really do endorse these tips and believe they are essential. We can all “up” our communication game, and just because I’m the pen behind the principles doesn’t mean I master all of these all of the time, but I am aware of them and try to put them into practice.

We have never had so many communication methods at our disposal yet been so horrible at it. But the good news is that communication is not just something we’re born with, that we either have or don’t have. While some are more naturally wired to excel at it, communication is still a skill we can develop if we’re willing.

And we should all be willing if for no other reason than the role it plays in the fulfillment of our goals and dreams. The Carnegie Institute, for example, states that “85% of your financial success is due to your personality and ability to communicate, negotiate and lead. Shockingly, only 15% is due to technical knowledge.”

“Shockingly” is right because that’s a downright alarming statistic. But we can increase our chances of success by employing some basic principles I have come up with based on observations from dealing with people in general and in the field of communication in particular.

As you read my list, take note of the “laws” you violate. I’ve tried to make them light so you don’t get too uptight, but it would behoove you to take them seriously — that is, if effective communication matters to you at all.

Adrienne’s Top 10 Laws of Communication:

1. When communicating in writing, extend a “Good morning,” “Hello” or something similar before jumping into what you’re writing about. Adding “How are you?” to the greeting is even better.

2. When someone says, “Good morning,” respond in kind. If you’re too busy to say “Good morning,” you’re just too busy. Remember, you’re not as important as you think you are.

3. When someone asks in person or in writing how you are, answer. They’re showing interest — or at least, courtesy — by asking. Most people don’t answer, maybe because the question has become formality rather than genuine interest. Answer anyway. And if you don’t like them, that’s even better. The more you dislike them, the more detailed your response should be. That’s right: Make them pay!

4. If you haven’t been in touch with someone for a long time, throwing him/her a link to your fundraiser without a greeting is not the best way to get reacquainted, and it’s certainly not the way to get money. A simple “Hello. How have you been?” or “What have you been up to lately?” will probably suffice as an icebreaker. It’s simple, but it’s important. Maybe it’s just me — probably not — but I’m not inclined to donate to someone who doesn’t even care enough to say “Hello” — and just throws a link at me. Bad, bad, bad communication. Surely, yo’ momma taught you better.

5. Ask people questions about things you know matter to them. Communicating effectively is always about the other person. There’s no better way to connect with people than to speak their language.

6. If someone asks you questions about yourself, show interest in them as well. There’s no excuse for those Mondays at work when someone asks you about your weekend, and after you’re done telling them the details, you just walk away.

7. If you say you’re going to get back to someone, get back to him/her. I know: Life is busy. It ain’t that busy, though. Refer to the last sentence of No. 2.

8. If someone sends you a message accompanied by a request for you to respond with a “yes” or “no” — perhaps it was an invitation or an offer — respond. A “no” is always preferred to being ignored. “No” says you can’t make it or don’t want to make it or wish they’d get lost or whatever. Silence says they’re not even worth the few seconds it would take to respond. If you’re not sure and have to think about it, that’s fine, too. Just say, “I’ll get back to you.” Then refer to No. 7, which ends by referring you back to No. 2.

9. Pay attention to what someone says to you. If she writes something like, “I was wondering about your experience with X, Y and Z. Tell me where to go to try this myself,” please note that responding “yes” makes no sense. In other words, respond to what the person actually wrote. Not sure how to do this? Refer to the first sentence of number 9. This is number 9.

10. Communicate with people the way they want to be communicated to, not the way you want to be communicated to. It’s a learning process, but it’s worthwhile for meaningful relationships at home, work, church, and beyond — and it will play a huge role in how far you go and how much influence you have.

Which ones resonate most with you?

Adrienne Ross is owner of Adrienne Ross Communications and a former Southeast Missourian editorial board member. Contact her at aross@semissourian.com.