A GLOSSARY FOR CONTEMPORARY EDUCRATS

WARNING: The following dictionary of terms contains explicit material about the true philosophy of trendy public schools. Do not distribute to the public.

ABC's. A Eurocentric term referring to an outmoded repetition of letters in a strict, unimaginative order.

Abstinence. A sexual practice that enlightened educators know children will never follow. Still, this Poliyanna-ish notion must be paid lip service, as uptight parents and politicians remain enamored with this anachronism.

Banana. See sex education.

Diploma. A piece of paper many graduates can read.

Empowerment. Something public schools must bestow on children because children will only feel empowered if their teachers encourage them to.

Expulsion. In the Dark Ages, this term meant expelling students. Today, it usually means transferring students from one school to another. Note to administrators: Always use this term -- never says "transfer" - otherwise, parents (see below) will try to intrude on your authority.

F. A grade still awarded in backwater districts.

History. Something you rewrite. The study of male hegemony and oppression.

Jackknife. A mythical weapon found in public schools. Whenever fascists call for the automatic expulsion of students found with weapons on campus, enlightened educators evoke the mythical legend of "the kid with the jackknife."

Lunch program, free school. 50 fat-grams of junk food, often referred to as the only good meal many children eat all day.

Mathematics. A bland, predictable discipline absorbed with numbers and linear thinking that should be spiced up with multicultural exercises.

Memorization. A skill once valued in pre-technological societies; now known to be harmful to children's self-esteem and creativity.

Parenting Classes. Classes that should be taught to students, preferably in junior high school, in case banana lessons, self-esteem classes and sex education don't work.

Parents. A pesky breed responsible for poor test scores, low student self-esteem and, worst of all, the present cheapskate level of school funding.

Penmanship. See keyboarding.

Phonics. A boring approach to reading that deadens children's minds by drilling them with repetitive exercises.

Reding. (sic) A joyous experience best unsullied by boring mechanics.

Religious Right. The most pernicious element in society today. A fanatical sect that seeks to brainwash children.

Right answer. New-new math teachers know best: There is no right answer.

Seamless. An approach to education that, in the name of diversity, makes the instruction of all courses, regardless of subject, the same -- with equal parts multiculturalism, self-esteem boosting, journal writing and (time permitting) academics.

Self-esteem. A blissful state of mind that can be attained only by excessive coddling and a total lack of standards.

Sex education. The study of safe sex, condoms, bananas, HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.

Spelling. A well-known Hollywood family -- headed by Aaron -- that produces television series and makes more money than public-school teachers.

Teacher certification. An effective means of keeping knowledgeable out-of-work aerospace workers and engineers from becoming math or science teachers.

Test scores. An evil plot designed by the enemy to embarrass education's innovators by pointing out deficiencies in children's comprehension in areas that involve low-prestige skills.

Writing. An exercise in self-expression that should eschew outmoded form requirements as students should be encouraged to make writing an highly personal endeavor.

Debra J. Saunders is a columnist for Creators Syndicate.