WHEN DID WE LOSE OUR CIVILITY?

Seated next to a lawyer from Kansas City the other evening at a dinner observing the anniversary of the election of a mutual friend, we began discussing the State of the Nation. We reached quick agreement that America is in a sad state, citing numerous facts to reach the conclusion that the Good Old US of A is seriously in need of transformation.

Let it be noted that when two friends in their 60s get together, since the beginning of time they have reached the very conclusion we did the other night. Americans in their 60s and 70s are quick to predict the decline of their civilization; it seems to be one of the rites of passage that older folks relish.

"You know what I think it is?" said my friend, one of the state's most politically astute lawyers who has successfully guided numerous Missourians to higher office. Without waiting for an answer, he continued, "The other evening one of my law partners, a good and decent Republican, said he traced our decline to the loss of civility."

"An excellent point," I responded with an enthusiasm that implied I was hearing the explanation for the very first time. "We Americans have stopped being civil, our society has stopped being civil, and perhaps almost as important, our politicians have stopped being civil."

Our conversation was halted when the evening's master of ceremonies got to his feet and proceeded to excoriate numerous political figures, both living and dead, much to the amusement of the assembled guests. Sneaking a look at my friend, I was surprised to note his hilarious response to the speaker's flamboyant flagellation of persons not present and unable to defend themselves. He was laughing as loudly as the intoxicated guest on my right, whose condition permitted him to find humor anywhere but primarily in his own senseless babbling.

What happened to civility, I wondered silently. It seemed to disappear altogether as the program grew longer and the hour became later. There appeared to be a correlation between the increasing number of martinis and the lessening of decorum and civility, but then, that was nothing new, at least not in the last 20 centuries.

Despite the temporary loss of civility at a political dinner, I knew that by the next day, decorum would be restored and those who had lost it the previous evening would regain it upon light of a new day. But I wasn't so sure that America would recover as quickly, nor was my friend from Kansas City until he so easily lost his way, if only momentarily.

As a society, as a nation, as individuals, we seem to have lost our respect for others. I must confess that I have no clear idea when we began losing this respect, but we are living at a time when it seems clear that it is a done deed. There is a tendency to blame the media, and particularly television, for any societal change as long as it's a pejorative one. TV has been assessed responsibility for every condition known to man, from the breakup of families to the fact that our children can't read.

If we ' re not blaming the intrusive electronic box that is centrally located in all of our homes, then we fault whatever leaders we have at the moment. Things would just be better, we nod in agreement, if we had better leaders, better public servants, better presidents, governors, legislators. What's interesting is that we reach the same conclusion when we have different presidents and governors and congressmen. At any given time, one officeholder is as rotten as all of his predecessors, and one legislature is as bad as the previous one. I suspect that the next president will, in his time, be as bad as the incumbent, and certainly there will come a day when we long for the present Congress, which at the moment is popularly viewed as one of the worst in our history.

I'm afraid the only time we fully trust, fully appreciate, fully feel civil toward our leaders, our fellow citizens and our neighbors is when we feel our nation is truly threatened. I remember feeling like that a few times in my life. World War II was one of them, particularly in the early days when it seemed as if we could lose. I remember feeling that way 30 years ago this month, when our president was assassinated in Dallas. There was no lack of civility during these periods, no lack of respect, for we were threatened and at risk, and we were frightened for our country and ourselves.

I am convinced we cannot become the nation we envision until we restore civility in our society. And I submit that the journey can only begin when we start respecting, first ourselves, then our neighbors and finally, our fellow men.