Victim of domestic violence must move out, seek counseling

Dear Dr. Dobson: I have a friend who is a frequent victim of spousal abuse. How would she go about dealing with her husband's problem?

Dear Reader: The principles of my book "Love Must be Tough" offer the best response to an abusive husband. They begin with a recognition that behavior does not change when things are going smoothly. If change is to occur, it usually does so in a crisis situation. Thus, a crisis must be created and managed carefully.

After moving out and making it clear that the woman has no intention of returning, the ball moves to her husband's court. If he never responds, she never returns. If it takes a year, or five years, then so be it. He has to want her badly enough to face his problem and to reach out to her. When (and if) her husband acknowledges that he has an abusive behavior pattern and promises to deal with it, negotiations can begin.

A plan can be agreed upon that involves intensive Christian counseling with a person of the wife's choosing. She should not return home until the counselor concludes that she will be safe and that the husband is on the way to recovery. Gradually, they put their relationship back together.

Dear Dr. Dobson: Many of our friends have begun to homeschool their children with seemingly positive results. My wife and I are considering this possibility as well but aren't quite sure. What are your views on this educational option?

Dear Reader: This is a subject on which my mind has changed dramatically over the years. There was a time when I subscribed wholeheartedly to the notion that early formal childhood education was vital to the child's intellectual well-being. That was widely believed in the '60s and '70s. I no longer accept that idea and favor keeping children with their parents for a longer time. Dr. Raymond Moore, author of "School Can Wait" and an early leader of the homeschooling movement, had a great influence on me in this regard.

The research now validates the wisdom of keeping boys and girls in a protected environment until they have achieved a greater degree of maturity. Not only do they benefit emotionally from that delay, but they typically make better progress academically. That's why homeschooled individuals often gain entrance to the most prestigious universities and colleges in the country. What parents can teach young children in informal one-on-one interactions surpasses what their little minds can absorb sitting among 25 other children in a classroom.

Dear Dr. Dobson: Would you speak to the effect of what has been called "the absentee father" -- especially during the tougher years of adolescence?

Dear Reader: It is stating the obvious, I suppose, to say that fathers are desperately needed at home during the teen years. In their absence, mothers are left to handle disciplinary problems alone. This is occurring in millions of families headed by single mothers today, and heaven only knows how difficult their task has become. Not only are they doing a job that should have been shouldered by two, they must also deal with behavioral problems that fathers are more ideally suited to handle. It is generally understood that a man's larger size, deeper voice and masculine demeanor make it easier for him to deal with defiance in the younger generation. Many mothers raise their teenagers alone and do the job with excellence, but it is a challenging assignment.

Send your questions to Dr. James Dobson, c/o Focus on the Family, P.O. Box 444, Colorado Springs, Colo. 80903. Dobson is the chairman of the board for Focus on the Family.