To lighten your day

Puns for educated minds. Written with a puncil. While in the punitentiary.

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at the drug rehab center said: Keep off the grass.

15. The midget fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. A backward poet writes inverse.

17. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

18. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

19. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

20. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"

21. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have you kayak and heat it too.

22. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

23. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

24. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

-- Shared to help you lighten up. GWR

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If you cross the North Korean border illegally, you get 12 years hard labor.

If you cross the Iranian border illegally, you are detained indefinitely.

If you cross the Afghan border illegally, you get shot.

If you cross the Saudi Arabian border illegally, you will be jailed.

If you cross the Chinese border illegally, you may never be heard from again.

If you cross the Venezuelan border illegally, you will be branded a spy and your fate will be sealed.

If you cross the Cuban border illegally, you will be thrown into political prison to rot.

If you cross the U.S. border illegally, you get:

A job

A driver's license

A Social Security card

Welfare

Food stamps

Credit cards

Subsidized rent or a loan to buy a house

Free education

Free health care

A lobbyist in Washington

Billions of dollars worth of public documents printed in your language

The right to carry our country's flag while you protest that you don't get enough respect in this one.

I just wanted to make sure I had a firm grasp on the situation.

-- E-mail

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The haircut: A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

You're going to love the father's reply: "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

Gary Rust is chairman of Rust Communications.