Squirrel wars, Spokane-style

By now you know that squirrels and I are not buddies.

For years, the squirrels and I have been combatants in a duel of wits. I am smart enough to devise methods to keep squirrels from eating the expensive bird food I put in the feeders in our yard. The squirrels are smart enough to find a way to eat the bird food anyway.

This year the squirrels and I have reached what I like to think is a happy standoff. The bird feeders are squirrel-free, thanks to wire cages, anti-climbing baffles and better placement. The squirrels are still welcome to pick up what the birds drop on the ground. So far, our detente is holding better than any Mideast accord.

Over the years, I have chronicled for you my miserable battles with the squirrels. Now that it appears my squirrel problem is solved, I miss the conniving, the rage, the flashes of occasional victory.

According to a kind reader, I have just learned that the city of Spokane, Wash., has its own squirrel problem. Unlike our gray and red tree squirrels, Spokane is plagued with ground squirrels. They burrow into yards, gardens, parks, golf courses and any other place with dirt.

On the front page of the Spokane newspaper, The Spokesman-Review, in mid-April was a story and photos that lifted the hearts of squirrel haters like me. The story and photos detailed the use, by city workers, of a device called the Rodenator Pro. Basically, it injects a gas into the burrows of the ground squirrels and blows them up.

Ah, sweet memories of my brush with explosives, the time I poured gasoline down the dozens of holes occupied by snakes in our backyard in Independence, Mo., lit a match and ran like you know what. Boom! Boom! Boom!

But that was a long time ago. I am older and wiser now.

The initial story in the Spokane paper was followed the next day by this story: "Humane society condemns use of deadly Rodenator."

Which prompted a column by Doug Clark on the front page. Here are excerpts:

"What is it about Spokane?

"Do we go looking for ways to look ridiculous to the rest of the globe?

"When I left for vacation a couple weeks ago, a jury of dim bulbs had just let a drunken off-duty cop walk for shooting an unarmed citizen in the head.

"Now I return all refreshed and relaxed only to find that the city of my birth is drawing national attention from exploding squirrels. ...

"As you might expect, animal welfare groups ... are fuming.

"I too have serious concerns.

"Like why in the great name of Rocket J. Squirrel didn't any of our city officials have the foresight to turn this into a pay-per-view TV event?

"We're in a serious recession. County unemployment is in double figures. ...

"Turning the city's government access channel into a 24-hour exploding squirrel marathon would raise some serious revenue.

"And it's not like there's anything watchable on Channel 5 anyway.

"All you get is an endless parade of council meetings, commission hearings, sleep-inducing discussions of local topics.

"I haven't seen so many pasty white faces since the last time I sat through 'Night of the Living Dead.' ...

"Too bad I've been gone. I actually have a much better and nonviolent solution for the ground squirrels of Finch Arboretum.

"I say we catch them and release them back into the wilds of Spokane City Hall.

"Why not? That's where all the nuts are."

jsullivan@semissourian.com;