Sports: I don't get it

By Michael Long

I don't follow sports and I don't get the fascination. Never have. To me it's just physically privileged young men following arbitrary rules to the cheers of arbitrary-rule aficionados. What if the football field were covered in cellophane and the ball were shaped like a chili bowl? It might as well be. One set of sports rules is just as good as another, as far as my interest goes.

This comes to mind because my wife and son were exorcised this weekend over a football game between the universities of Missouri and Nebraska. Much shouting and cheering ensued. Apparently Missouri won big the week before, then lost this week in what I understand is some sort of ongoing, season-to-season competition -- a "rivalry," is that what they call it? Apparently this consumes the interest of a lot of people. It is all over the news this morning.

I also understand that two underdog teams played in the World Series, which seems to be a competition in the discipline known as baseball. Well, goody.

Over the decades, I've tried to cultivate an interest in sports, but with no luck. Maybe it's because I have the athletic abilities of a melon. Who knows? When people stand and cheer at a sports bar, I am generally surprised. (And what am I doing in a sports bar, anyway?) When my Facebook friends brag about a weekend victory, or anticipate some upcoming game, I shrug. When other people look forward to a professional football game, I think about how difficult it is going to be to park -- and expensive. For what it costs to park, you could buy a whole-entire hot dog at a professional sports game. (Or you could just hold on to the money and buy your family's groceries for a week.)

What little I know about baseball comes from watching my children play, though this has led me to take unusual positions on the few rules I know. For instance, I favor not only the designated hitter but also the use of a batter's tee. I also think games should be limited to five innings or 90 minutes, whichever comes first, and that all players should get a little break when (not if) the parking lot is invaded by the ice cream man.

I know there are others like me. I also know that we do not often admit our affliction, our blind spot (our superiority) in public. But hear me now, fellow I-don't-get-it sports people: You are not alone.

Michael Long is a Southeast Missouri native who currently serves as a speechwriter and consultant in Washington D.C. He teaches speechwriting and public relations in the graduate school at Georgetown University. He can be reached at www.MikeLongOnline.com.