River City Journal: Fruitcake economics

You've been reading and hearing about all those economic indicators.

Maybe you're ready for an explanation of what's going on in the world of business, banking, investing and finance that you can actually understand.

I have it in one word:

Fruitcake.

My friends, you were probably wondering why you hadn't read Uncle Joe's annual column asking for free fruitcakes and whining about all the bad fruitcake jokes.

Would I let you down? Nosiree. And particularly not at a time when our nation is so deep in the dumps.

In my opinion, what ails the country can be cured by recognizing our mistakes and charting a new and better course.

This, naturally, will require admitting that you have really liked fruitcake all along and only said those mean and nasty things so you could be one of the boys. Or girls.

Peer pressure is a powerful influence. First one good buddy makes a wisecrack about fruitcakes, and the next thing you know someone you really admire and trust, someone whose opinion you truly value, tells a fruitcake joke. Next thing you know, there you are, making some off-the-wall comment about Christmas fruitcakes.

This is how a nation sinks to the depths of gloom. This is how Americans lose sight of their noble heritage and traditions. This is how we become another ordinary country.

I truly hate to be the bearer of such sad tidings at a time of the year when melodies of Christmas fill the air. But it's better that I bring you this season's greetings than someone with a foreclosure notice or some guy repossessing your car, right?

In all honesty, I had seriously considered not mentioning fruitcakes, the ambrosia and elixir of holiday fare, not knowing that the mood of the populace would turn so sour. I had optimistically hoped my favorite fruitcake suppliers would come through with their fresh-baked treasures. I assumed I had, over the years, made the giving of fruitcakes a habit, something as natural as putting up the Christmas tree and decking the halls with stuff.

This is where I get to the part about the connection between the economy and fruitcakes. Maybe you were wondering if I had forgotten.

I know it's a bad year, not because the stock market has devoured a sizable chunk of my 401(k) or because the subprime mortgage industry collapsed or because the government -- my government -- plans to spend well over a trillion dollars to get the nation out of its hole.

I know it's a bad year because I have not received a single, solitary fruitcake. Nary a one.

I'll betcha the Fed chairman and the Treasury secretary aren't even aware of the collapse of the fruitcake market. They're probably a couple of fruitcake bashers who wouldn't know a candied cherry from a black walnut.

(For the uninitiated, there are concoctions called fruitcakes that are mostly dry cake and some gooey bits that can't really be identified. A truly good fruitcake must contain goodly amounts of candied cherries and black walnuts. That's all there is to it. Oh, and some rum or brandy. Or both.)

I'm sorry to be the one to have to say this: Washington can print money until every tree in the national forests is turned into pulp, but nobody's going to be in much of a mood to borrow and spend, borrow and spend, borrow and spend until we subsidize the bakers of the noble fruitcake.

Let's say the folks in Washington saw fit to hand over a million bucks to prop up the bakers of fruitcakes. That would be, according to my math, a millionth of the total bailout so far. I can't even begin to calculate such a small percentage.

Listen to me, folks. I'm not just blowing smoke here. Unless we save fruitcakes, we're in far a long, deep recession.

Please tell those Washington bigwigs to do the right thing. After all, it's Christmas, the season for ... you know.

R. Joe Sullivan is the editorial page editor of the Southeast Missourian.