Practical V Day advice at no charge

This year is a huge marital milestone for the two adults at the Sullivan house.

When June rolls around, my wife and I will be celebrating our 40th wedding anniversary.

It has long been a joke in our family that I'm the only one who remembers the actual date of our wedding. My wife is the one, after all, who dutifully sends timely birthday greetings to family and friends all over the globe. But I'm the one who celebrates our anniversary on the right date.

You all know far too much about my wobbly memory, so you may be wondering how it is that I can remember our wedding anniversary.

Well, for one thing, our wedding was just about the biggest event in my life.

The other advantage I have is that I've only had one wife, requiring only one wedding, which means there is only one date to keep straight. I imagine it's a little embarrassing for my friends who have been married more than once when they show up with mushy cards, candy and flowers only to be told by their current spouses: "I believe you're thinking of the other Mrs. So-and-So."

Ouch!

Remembering our anniversary date hinges, in large part, on everyone else's bad memory. In other words, who's going to correct me if I'm wrong? As long as I'm close -- in days, not months -- I'm pretty safe.

My wife and I have decided on a big blowout trip to mark our momentous occasion this year. Plans are in the works as you read this. We decided not to wait for our golden anniversary because ... well, there are lots of good reasons.

For example, traveling in an airplane isn't getting any easier. I swear if airlines move the seat rows any closer together, only double-jointed contortionists will be able to enjoy the free peanuts.

I am not double-jointed, nor is my wife. Our vision of an airline bent on customer service is the one that installs La-Z-Boy recliners in coach. We're not holding our breath.

So it all boils down to our knees.

Readers who are less age-advantaged might not understand this concept. Their knees will fit almost anywhere, even if they're tall. Good for them. Travel as much as you can. Fly everywhere. Max out the credit cards. You'll have plenty of time to pay off your consumer debt when your knees finally put a halt to your carefree travel.

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Before the big trip rolls around, however, there is the matter of Valentine's Day, a holiday that has a close association with weddings.

Once again, I offer these tips to the men who are reading this column. I know you need help, and I'm glad to offer you a bit of free advice, which is worth exactly what you're paying for it.

First: A mushy card is not an option. It is an absolute must. If you think your wife will appreciate a funny card featuring (a) toilets, (b) the word "blonde" or (c) hunting gear, think again. Your wife wants unfettered expressions of deep love. Thank goodness, Hallmark knows what you need.

Second: After the card is purchased, the easy part is over. Men have no clue what comes next. Candy? Flowers? Appraisable jewelry? Fortunately, the confection, floral and diamond industries have recognized your despair and stand ready to assist.

Spend while you can. The day will come, my friends, when you will have to choose between love tokens and an artificial knee replacement.

That ought to get you in the true spirit of Valentine's Day.

R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.